I am average...that is who I am

It is no secret that I am not enjoying graduate school.  I am still terrified that I won't measure up. Measure up to what, you ask? Good question!! I have placed this imaginary performance bar so high in the sky that there is no way I can reach it. Why can't I reach it? Because I don't think I am good enough to reach it. I am just not the person who ever excelled at anything. I am average. And average was always good enough.  I can never remember a time when anyone expected more than that from me.  So here I am. I am 42 and in college trying to be better than average. And it is making me crazy!

I have not written a paper in 20 years. TWENTY YEARS!   I have this itty bitty 3 page paper due on Monday and I can't type the first word because I am TERRIFIED that I will not get it in to perfect APA 6th edition format. And I have managed to convince myself that if I cannot get it perfect, life as I know it will end. The sky will fall and people will know I suck!  Can I ask for help? Of course not! You want to know why? Because if I ask for help, people will know that I am just average. And people will know that I can't remember how to do something I last did in 1990.   And when this itty bitty 3 page paper is done, I have to do another one that is 12 pages. Shoot me now!

This is an uphill battle for me and deeply personal.  And I decided to blog about it so I can stop thinking it is a secret that I need to keep. Getting it off my chest, so to speak.  So here it is. My big dark secret and the reason I hide it.

It was the end of my last semester for my Bachelor's degree. I only had a summer of practicum to finish before graduation. I was living in Houston with my aunt, uncle, and cousin. Very smart people! All 3 of them! They were hosting their annual crawfish boil and the conversation turned toward our graduation. My cousin was also graduating. With honors. And people (including myself) were so proud of her.  As people were congratulating her, my dad turned to me and told me to tell people what I had got that semester. I was HORRIFIED! He knew that I had gotten a D in Environmental Science. He wanted me to tell them. And he kept pushing me to say it. I could not in my wildest imagination understand why he kept insisting that I tell people something so humiliating. And I was reminded that I am just average. And all the A's and B's I had gotten throughout that four years of college were not important. My achievement was being measured by the D.  I am probably the only person who remembers that conversation, but I have thought about it every.single.day. since I decided to apply to graduate school.

Another reason I am struggling is because I am taking classes with MSW students who are completing their practicum in the agency where I work. I sit next to them in classes and I have decided that there is no way they should ever learn that I am just average.  I have no idea why I think that I should already know stuff that we are all learning together. But I do.  I have mentored students in the BSW and MSW programs. How will it look if I am less than perfect in my classes? Will they be disappointed in knowing that they trusted me to teach and mentor students? Will those that I mentored feel ripped off? I can't let them find out.

I was leaving for school last night and I said to Byron, "I really wish someone would give me permission to quit." The truth is that I don't really want to quit. I just want to give myself permission to be average and not feel like I have to do as well as or better than my good friends who have all completed this program with honors. I have worked hard to create a reputation of being a good social worker who is knowledgeable and smart. But none of that will matter if I don't get straight A's. Right?

These are my demons. And right now, they define me.  And it is hard. Really hard.

I like Ira

In my recent endeavors to learn more about the homeless community of Wichita, I met a man named Ira. He does not mind me talking about him to anyone who will listen.  In fact, he likes to know his story is being shared.  He believes that it is his "job" to share his experiences as a homeless man to those who want to help and to those who need help.  He is a member of a local advocacy group who call themselves "Advocates to End Chronic Homelessness."  He is formerly homeless and the voice of reality to this group of wonderful volunteers who have great passion for doing something good for this community.

Last week there was a long and thoughtful discussion about how to help people who are homeless do laundry during an upcoming upheaval in their current system of resources. Ira listened for a bit and then started waiving his hand to say something.  And then I heard him say, "look, if you have enough money to transport people and pay for them to wash anything they want to wash as often as they want, I will tell you that your money can be used for something way better. You know that we tend to gather as much stuff as we can. As soon as you announce that we can wash it on your dime.........well, lets just say..... you are going to spend a LOT of money!  I am going to find stuff to wash just because you are paying for me to wash it.  Please hear me now. Take your money and put it to better use."

The sky parted and the angels sang.

If you know me and how much I love Ruby Paynes thoughts on the Rules of Poverty, you know just how happy this man made me!

At tonight's meeting he told us that we could find money and pool resources to train him for two years on a marketable skill, but if we can't convince people to hire him at the end of that two years, we have wasted time and money. He does not need a work training program, he needs someone to hire him.

I think maybe I love Ira!