I am average...that is who I am

It is no secret that I am not enjoying graduate school.  I am still terrified that I won't measure up. Measure up to what, you ask? Good question!! I have placed this imaginary performance bar so high in the sky that there is no way I can reach it. Why can't I reach it? Because I don't think I am good enough to reach it. I am just not the person who ever excelled at anything. I am average. And average was always good enough.  I can never remember a time when anyone expected more than that from me.  So here I am. I am 42 and in college trying to be better than average. And it is making me crazy!

I have not written a paper in 20 years. TWENTY YEARS!   I have this itty bitty 3 page paper due on Monday and I can't type the first word because I am TERRIFIED that I will not get it in to perfect APA 6th edition format. And I have managed to convince myself that if I cannot get it perfect, life as I know it will end. The sky will fall and people will know I suck!  Can I ask for help? Of course not! You want to know why? Because if I ask for help, people will know that I am just average. And people will know that I can't remember how to do something I last did in 1990.   And when this itty bitty 3 page paper is done, I have to do another one that is 12 pages. Shoot me now!

This is an uphill battle for me and deeply personal.  And I decided to blog about it so I can stop thinking it is a secret that I need to keep. Getting it off my chest, so to speak.  So here it is. My big dark secret and the reason I hide it.

It was the end of my last semester for my Bachelor's degree. I only had a summer of practicum to finish before graduation. I was living in Houston with my aunt, uncle, and cousin. Very smart people! All 3 of them! They were hosting their annual crawfish boil and the conversation turned toward our graduation. My cousin was also graduating. With honors. And people (including myself) were so proud of her.  As people were congratulating her, my dad turned to me and told me to tell people what I had got that semester. I was HORRIFIED! He knew that I had gotten a D in Environmental Science. He wanted me to tell them. And he kept pushing me to say it. I could not in my wildest imagination understand why he kept insisting that I tell people something so humiliating. And I was reminded that I am just average. And all the A's and B's I had gotten throughout that four years of college were not important. My achievement was being measured by the D.  I am probably the only person who remembers that conversation, but I have thought about it every.single.day. since I decided to apply to graduate school.

Another reason I am struggling is because I am taking classes with MSW students who are completing their practicum in the agency where I work. I sit next to them in classes and I have decided that there is no way they should ever learn that I am just average.  I have no idea why I think that I should already know stuff that we are all learning together. But I do.  I have mentored students in the BSW and MSW programs. How will it look if I am less than perfect in my classes? Will they be disappointed in knowing that they trusted me to teach and mentor students? Will those that I mentored feel ripped off? I can't let them find out.

I was leaving for school last night and I said to Byron, "I really wish someone would give me permission to quit." The truth is that I don't really want to quit. I just want to give myself permission to be average and not feel like I have to do as well as or better than my good friends who have all completed this program with honors. I have worked hard to create a reputation of being a good social worker who is knowledgeable and smart. But none of that will matter if I don't get straight A's. Right?

These are my demons. And right now, they define me.  And it is hard. Really hard.