A great big THANK YOU to Ragan and Heather for helping a non-techie like me get this set up. My next step will be learning how to fancy up my blog to add links and pictures :)
Please participate on this facebook page however you want. I will move a lot of my link sharing to this page so those who are not interested in that stuff do not have their walls so filled with it.
Get ready for some fun!!
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
The waves of change
Starfish Chronicles is undergoing a face lift. The blog is moving to a new server and will soon have its very own facebook page. When I started this blog I wanted to blog about things that are important to me. That is still my focus but I want to expand it to a broader audience. My personal experiences will still guide the discussion because it is easier to talk about "where I am."
I am a woman, daughter, sister, aunt, niece, cousin, wife, mommy, friend, social worker, neighbor, and community member. So many topics to choose from!! Stay tuned for laughter and tears. And if there is something you want me to address, just say so. I am always happy to give my 2-cents. Take what works for you and throw out the rest, but join the journey!
I am a woman, daughter, sister, aunt, niece, cousin, wife, mommy, friend, social worker, neighbor, and community member. So many topics to choose from!! Stay tuned for laughter and tears. And if there is something you want me to address, just say so. I am always happy to give my 2-cents. Take what works for you and throw out the rest, but join the journey!
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
I am average...that is who I am
It is no secret that I am not enjoying graduate school. I am still terrified that I won't measure up. Measure up to what, you ask? Good question!! I have placed this imaginary performance bar so high in the sky that there is no way I can reach it. Why can't I reach it? Because I don't think I am good enough to reach it. I am just not the person who ever excelled at anything. I am average. And average was always good enough. I can never remember a time when anyone expected more than that from me. So here I am. I am 42 and in college trying to be better than average. And it is making me crazy!
I have not written a paper in 20 years. TWENTY YEARS! I have this itty bitty 3 page paper due on Monday and I can't type the first word because I am TERRIFIED that I will not get it in to perfect APA 6th edition format. And I have managed to convince myself that if I cannot get it perfect, life as I know it will end. The sky will fall and people will know I suck! Can I ask for help? Of course not! You want to know why? Because if I ask for help, people will know that I am just average. And people will know that I can't remember how to do something I last did in 1990. And when this itty bitty 3 page paper is done, I have to do another one that is 12 pages. Shoot me now!
This is an uphill battle for me and deeply personal. And I decided to blog about it so I can stop thinking it is a secret that I need to keep. Getting it off my chest, so to speak. So here it is. My big dark secret and the reason I hide it.
It was the end of my last semester for my Bachelor's degree. I only had a summer of practicum to finish before graduation. I was living in Houston with my aunt, uncle, and cousin. Very smart people! All 3 of them! They were hosting their annual crawfish boil and the conversation turned toward our graduation. My cousin was also graduating. With honors. And people (including myself) were so proud of her. As people were congratulating her, my dad turned to me and told me to tell people what I had got that semester. I was HORRIFIED! He knew that I had gotten a D in Environmental Science. He wanted me to tell them. And he kept pushing me to say it. I could not in my wildest imagination understand why he kept insisting that I tell people something so humiliating. And I was reminded that I am just average. And all the A's and B's I had gotten throughout that four years of college were not important. My achievement was being measured by the D. I am probably the only person who remembers that conversation, but I have thought about it every.single.day. since I decided to apply to graduate school.
Another reason I am struggling is because I am taking classes with MSW students who are completing their practicum in the agency where I work. I sit next to them in classes and I have decided that there is no way they should ever learn that I am just average. I have no idea why I think that I should already know stuff that we are all learning together. But I do. I have mentored students in the BSW and MSW programs. How will it look if I am less than perfect in my classes? Will they be disappointed in knowing that they trusted me to teach and mentor students? Will those that I mentored feel ripped off? I can't let them find out.
I was leaving for school last night and I said to Byron, "I really wish someone would give me permission to quit." The truth is that I don't really want to quit. I just want to give myself permission to be average and not feel like I have to do as well as or better than my good friends who have all completed this program with honors. I have worked hard to create a reputation of being a good social worker who is knowledgeable and smart. But none of that will matter if I don't get straight A's. Right?
These are my demons. And right now, they define me. And it is hard. Really hard.
I have not written a paper in 20 years. TWENTY YEARS! I have this itty bitty 3 page paper due on Monday and I can't type the first word because I am TERRIFIED that I will not get it in to perfect APA 6th edition format. And I have managed to convince myself that if I cannot get it perfect, life as I know it will end. The sky will fall and people will know I suck! Can I ask for help? Of course not! You want to know why? Because if I ask for help, people will know that I am just average. And people will know that I can't remember how to do something I last did in 1990. And when this itty bitty 3 page paper is done, I have to do another one that is 12 pages. Shoot me now!
This is an uphill battle for me and deeply personal. And I decided to blog about it so I can stop thinking it is a secret that I need to keep. Getting it off my chest, so to speak. So here it is. My big dark secret and the reason I hide it.
It was the end of my last semester for my Bachelor's degree. I only had a summer of practicum to finish before graduation. I was living in Houston with my aunt, uncle, and cousin. Very smart people! All 3 of them! They were hosting their annual crawfish boil and the conversation turned toward our graduation. My cousin was also graduating. With honors. And people (including myself) were so proud of her. As people were congratulating her, my dad turned to me and told me to tell people what I had got that semester. I was HORRIFIED! He knew that I had gotten a D in Environmental Science. He wanted me to tell them. And he kept pushing me to say it. I could not in my wildest imagination understand why he kept insisting that I tell people something so humiliating. And I was reminded that I am just average. And all the A's and B's I had gotten throughout that four years of college were not important. My achievement was being measured by the D. I am probably the only person who remembers that conversation, but I have thought about it every.single.day. since I decided to apply to graduate school.
Another reason I am struggling is because I am taking classes with MSW students who are completing their practicum in the agency where I work. I sit next to them in classes and I have decided that there is no way they should ever learn that I am just average. I have no idea why I think that I should already know stuff that we are all learning together. But I do. I have mentored students in the BSW and MSW programs. How will it look if I am less than perfect in my classes? Will they be disappointed in knowing that they trusted me to teach and mentor students? Will those that I mentored feel ripped off? I can't let them find out.
I was leaving for school last night and I said to Byron, "I really wish someone would give me permission to quit." The truth is that I don't really want to quit. I just want to give myself permission to be average and not feel like I have to do as well as or better than my good friends who have all completed this program with honors. I have worked hard to create a reputation of being a good social worker who is knowledgeable and smart. But none of that will matter if I don't get straight A's. Right?
These are my demons. And right now, they define me. And it is hard. Really hard.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
I like Ira
In my recent endeavors to learn more about the homeless community of Wichita, I met a man named Ira. He does not mind me talking about him to anyone who will listen. In fact, he likes to know his story is being shared. He believes that it is his "job" to share his experiences as a homeless man to those who want to help and to those who need help. He is a member of a local advocacy group who call themselves "Advocates to End Chronic Homelessness." He is formerly homeless and the voice of reality to this group of wonderful volunteers who have great passion for doing something good for this community.
Last week there was a long and thoughtful discussion about how to help people who are homeless do laundry during an upcoming upheaval in their current system of resources. Ira listened for a bit and then started waiving his hand to say something. And then I heard him say, "look, if you have enough money to transport people and pay for them to wash anything they want to wash as often as they want, I will tell you that your money can be used for something way better. You know that we tend to gather as much stuff as we can. As soon as you announce that we can wash it on your dime.........well, lets just say..... you are going to spend a LOT of money! I am going to find stuff to wash just because you are paying for me to wash it. Please hear me now. Take your money and put it to better use."
The sky parted and the angels sang.
If you know me and how much I love Ruby Paynes thoughts on the Rules of Poverty, you know just how happy this man made me!
At tonight's meeting he told us that we could find money and pool resources to train him for two years on a marketable skill, but if we can't convince people to hire him at the end of that two years, we have wasted time and money. He does not need a work training program, he needs someone to hire him.
I think maybe I love Ira!
Last week there was a long and thoughtful discussion about how to help people who are homeless do laundry during an upcoming upheaval in their current system of resources. Ira listened for a bit and then started waiving his hand to say something. And then I heard him say, "look, if you have enough money to transport people and pay for them to wash anything they want to wash as often as they want, I will tell you that your money can be used for something way better. You know that we tend to gather as much stuff as we can. As soon as you announce that we can wash it on your dime.........well, lets just say..... you are going to spend a LOT of money! I am going to find stuff to wash just because you are paying for me to wash it. Please hear me now. Take your money and put it to better use."
The sky parted and the angels sang.
If you know me and how much I love Ruby Paynes thoughts on the Rules of Poverty, you know just how happy this man made me!
At tonight's meeting he told us that we could find money and pool resources to train him for two years on a marketable skill, but if we can't convince people to hire him at the end of that two years, we have wasted time and money. He does not need a work training program, he needs someone to hire him.
I think maybe I love Ira!
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Blogging on my mind
I started this blog with the intent to talk about things that are important to me. I have lots of things I want to talk about, but am always fearful that some of it would offend readers or just be boring. Maybe I should blog more about the day to day stuff I tend to post as status updates on facebook. I could give my blog its very own facebook page so those who want to read it can and those who don't can avoid it. Or I could just blog and not advertise it anywhere. Those who want to read it know where it is. It is not fancy and I don't have any words of wisdom or guidance to impart. I don't have advertisement space. And I have never read another person's blog and thought to myself.....this is tooo _______ or not enough _______. I just read them and enjoy them. If I don't enjoy them, I stop reading them.
Maybe I should just do what the heck I want to do since it is MY blog .....
That is the advice I would give anyone else wondering what their blog should be. It should be what the author wants it to be. It really is that simple. So to my fellow bloggers who have recently been contemplating changing things up to make everyone else happy. Stop. Do what makes you happy. Be happy, peeps!! Happy is good!
Maybe I should just do what the heck I want to do since it is MY blog .....
That is the advice I would give anyone else wondering what their blog should be. It should be what the author wants it to be. It really is that simple. So to my fellow bloggers who have recently been contemplating changing things up to make everyone else happy. Stop. Do what makes you happy. Be happy, peeps!! Happy is good!
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
I LOVE Winter!
Finally! Snow has arrived and winter is here! I have been stalking the weather channel for weeks. WEEKS!
I grew up on the Gulf Coast of Louisiana and winter was just "less hot" than the rest of the year. We saw snow in the mountains of Colorado on annual family vacations. Maybe that is why I love it so much. I have memories attached to it. It takes me back to places I love. Happy places.
And when the snow is gone, I will be happy to see green grass, leaves, and flowers. And then I will celebrate summer so my kids can swim and swim and swim. And I will celebrate fall (my other favorite) when the leaves are changing and I can start anticipating snow again.
Change is good.......
I grew up on the Gulf Coast of Louisiana and winter was just "less hot" than the rest of the year. We saw snow in the mountains of Colorado on annual family vacations. Maybe that is why I love it so much. I have memories attached to it. It takes me back to places I love. Happy places.
And when the snow is gone, I will be happy to see green grass, leaves, and flowers. And then I will celebrate summer so my kids can swim and swim and swim. And I will celebrate fall (my other favorite) when the leaves are changing and I can start anticipating snow again.
Change is good.......
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Now What?
Happy New Year! Have you spent the last several days resolving to make changes? Resolving to not make changes? If for only one day a year we think about where we are in our lives, and have even small thoughts about how we love that place or how we would like to be in a different place, what is the harm in that? Personal reflection is good. If it also happens to motivate us to make changes, even better! Please don't lecture me on how resolutions are stupid and you have no faith in people following through on them. You focus on what you need to do in your life and I will focus on what I need to do in my life. I will celebrate your successes with you and offer a shoulder and an ear if you need to reflect on why it did not happen the way you planned it. Either way - it is YOUR life and you have the power to make it what it will be. It is your journey. Every success and failure are equally important on the path.
Even thoughI do not consider my journey to be on a 12 month schedule, I posted this blog on myspace on January 5th, 2007: I am dedicating 2007 to finding Elainne. There! I said it!!! Let it be.......
I will continue on my journey, but as of right this minute, I do not know what that means. What can I do today/this week/this month/this year that will make my life better? I can make a list of things, but I have to be honest and say that I do not know how many of them I am willing or even ready to tackle. And I am ok with that. I don't need a "grand plan." As long as I hold strong in knowing that I am in control of my life, whatever it is, this is what works for me. On the other hand, I must also accept the consequences for my lack of action. No regrets. This is the hard part. I cannot justify beating myself up for how things are if I have done nothing to change them. January 1st, 2012 will come whether or not I make any changes in my life. It is up to me!
So, now what?
Even thoughI do not consider my journey to be on a 12 month schedule, I posted this blog on myspace on January 5th, 2007: I am dedicating 2007 to finding Elainne. There! I said it!!! Let it be.......
I will continue on my journey, but as of right this minute, I do not know what that means. What can I do today/this week/this month/this year that will make my life better? I can make a list of things, but I have to be honest and say that I do not know how many of them I am willing or even ready to tackle. And I am ok with that. I don't need a "grand plan." As long as I hold strong in knowing that I am in control of my life, whatever it is, this is what works for me. On the other hand, I must also accept the consequences for my lack of action. No regrets. This is the hard part. I cannot justify beating myself up for how things are if I have done nothing to change them. January 1st, 2012 will come whether or not I make any changes in my life. It is up to me!
So, now what?
