You want to go where????

Since Byron started going to AA 6.5 years ago, we have discussed on and off the idea of finding a church we think would work for us. We have very different backgrounds in religion and I am not sure either of us even know what we would want from a church with walls and rules and stuff. What we do agree on is that we want our kids to have some exposure to faith and the belief that there is a force bigger than us in this world. And we think that having a similar "higher power" would be good for us as well.

The biggest problem for me is that I grew up in a very restrictive religious culture. Church is not unfamiliar to me. I know about the bible and even though I have not attended a church since my teenage years, I do live according to a certain set of standards that are a result of my upbringing. It was all we did as a family for many years. We were at church twice on sunday, we attended church school 5 days a week, church on wednesday night, prayer service, choir practice, youth service, and revivals that were 7 days a week for weeks and weeks. All of the people we associated with were from the church. Church.was.all.we.did. And then one day we didn't. And I am still not really sure why we stopped going, but I do remember feeling relieved about it. Don't get me wrong. I do not have regrets about all of it. It is part of my journey. And if I am being honest, I would admit that for many years I thought I would be a preacher's wife someday. I suppose social work is not so far from that.......

It will be hard to go from such an intensely structured standard to the casualness of so many churches today. When I walk in to a church and see people wearing shorts or women wearing pants, I hyperventilate a little bit. And it has been 27 years! It is going to take some time to change the way my mind accepts a different model.

I have no idea how this will go, but we have been looking around and have a couple of places we are going to try out soon (like maybe even this weekend). Samantha is excited about it. Her bff's family has a very strong faith and she gets exposure from them. She is convinced this is a good thing. I am sure Cooper will be ok as long as people take the time to learn about what works for him. And Zachary.....well......he has decided that he does not need to go to church because he already knows everything about God. He knows that she is always around us and helps us with things. And I curse like a sailor. I have great fear of slinging a string of expletives in the house of God. That would be bad. Very bad! And you all know how I feel about having a day of rest. I hate hate hate having to jump up on a sunday morning and go somewhere. I am hoping that the benefit to my soul will outweigh my lazy spirit. Byron has decided that interrupting his morning sleep to attend church after getting home at 5:30am is worth it to him. So we are all going to suck it up and give it a shot.

What is the worst thing that can happen? I better not think about that........

Feeling it.......and letting it go.....

*This blog post is very personal. If you can't handle that kind of stuff you should walk away now. It is not posted for sympathy, so please do not offer it. I am putting it in the universe so I can accept it and move on from it.

I also want people to know that I am not just randomly posting links to my fan page of things that seem interesting. I am really reading those quotes and articles and applying them to my life.

So here it goes....

As the boys birthday is approaching, I am flooded with memories and feelings from that part of my journey. Years of infertility and a marriage that was more for convenience than love at that time set the stage for a really rough couple of years. I struggled with whether or not to blog about this but then decided that I am tired of pushing it aside and pretending it was all happy times. It was not the fairy tale that we all envision. I grieve it more than I celebrate it. And it is time to let it go.

I grieve that I was alone at the hospital for most of the time I was there. I grieve that I was not able to carry the pregnancy to term and delivered at 30 weeks. I grieve that for 14 weeks my babies were mostly alone in a hospital hooked to machines and fighting for their lives. I grieve that I could not hold them and have them home until they were 12 and 14 weeks old. I grieve that for the first year of their lives, I was so busy surviving it that I forgot to enjoy it. I grieve that I have very few pictures of that first year. I grieve that no matter how hard I try, I cannot remember anything other than Cooper crying all night, I was never bathed, and I had zero sleep. I grieve that I cannot look at the pictures of them in the hospital because it sends me to a very dark place. I grieve that I did not love every minute of it because it was all I ever wanted for most of my life.

I have been holding the shame of these feelings for all these years and I am ready to let them go. It is time to feel the pain and acknowledge the grief. It has to go. I want to celebrate their lives and the joy they have for living it. I do not want to water their memories with my own sadness for things that I cannot change.

It was 7 years ago. We are in a good place now and have been for a very long time. My marriage is solid. My kids are healthy and happy. We have fun and laugh. And I am thankful. I am very thankful for these incredible little boys who are so full of life and awe in the word around them. And as a bonus, they think I am pretty fabulous!!

On July 18th, we will wake up and celebrate seven of the most incredible years of our lives with two of the most incredible little boys ever born. Happy Birthday Zachary and Cooper! Thank you for the joy you have brought to our lives.

*Karma*

I have spent the last year fretting and moaning and doubting myself and my decision to go to graduate school. I have even gone so far as to say that I wish someone would give me permission to quit.  Despite all of the negativity I put around the experience, I finished two semesters and four classes with all A's. I finally accepted that "I got this!" I was looking forward to fall classes and a new attitude about this part of my journey.  I even enrolled for 3 classes instead of the 2 that are required!

And then Karma stepped in and gave me a great big kick in the butt!

Early in the summer I learned the grant that funds my position was drastically cut at the State level. The trickle down meant that changes would have to be made within the organization where I work. Fast forward through weeks of agony and wondering what was going to happen to my job and the jobs of several co-workers. I finally got the call that my position would be cut from full-time to part-time effective August 1st.

AND THERE IT WAS!!! The excuse to quit school was handed to me.

The only problem is that I no longer want to quit.  I now find myself in a position where I have to consider whether or not I can afford to work part-time and pay for school. While I will have more time to focus on school and my practicum, I also have to consider the (significant) financial implications.

I am still processing this change so I am not going to try and put all of my thoughts about it in this post. What I really wanted to post about is the power of karma. What you put out in the universe becomes part of your journey. I surrounded myself with negativity and doubt for way too long. Even though I had adjusted my attitude and embraced the opportunity, I still had all of that nastiness "out there."   You can't un-do these things. Begin your day with a purpose to live in the moment and know that every experience is a bump on the path. I am responsible for how I proceed on my journey and I am determined to stay focused on the big picture.

I am putting my big girl panties on, talking to the financial aid office at WSU, and re-configuring our budget at home.

I can throw in the towel right now and feel justified in doing it. But karma be dammed, "I got this!"

Testing.....testing......

A great big THANK YOU to Ragan and Heather for helping a non-techie like me get this set up. My next step will be learning how to fancy up my blog to add links and pictures :)

Please participate on this facebook page however you want. I will move a lot of my link sharing to this page so those who are not interested in that stuff do not have their walls so filled with it.

Get ready for some fun!!