Feeling it.......and letting it go.....

*This blog post is very personal. If you can't handle that kind of stuff you should walk away now. It is not posted for sympathy, so please do not offer it. I am putting it in the universe so I can accept it and move on from it.

I also want people to know that I am not just randomly posting links to my fan page of things that seem interesting. I am really reading those quotes and articles and applying them to my life.

So here it goes....

As the boys birthday is approaching, I am flooded with memories and feelings from that part of my journey. Years of infertility and a marriage that was more for convenience than love at that time set the stage for a really rough couple of years. I struggled with whether or not to blog about this but then decided that I am tired of pushing it aside and pretending it was all happy times. It was not the fairy tale that we all envision. I grieve it more than I celebrate it. And it is time to let it go.

I grieve that I was alone at the hospital for most of the time I was there. I grieve that I was not able to carry the pregnancy to term and delivered at 30 weeks. I grieve that for 14 weeks my babies were mostly alone in a hospital hooked to machines and fighting for their lives. I grieve that I could not hold them and have them home until they were 12 and 14 weeks old. I grieve that for the first year of their lives, I was so busy surviving it that I forgot to enjoy it. I grieve that I have very few pictures of that first year. I grieve that no matter how hard I try, I cannot remember anything other than Cooper crying all night, I was never bathed, and I had zero sleep. I grieve that I cannot look at the pictures of them in the hospital because it sends me to a very dark place. I grieve that I did not love every minute of it because it was all I ever wanted for most of my life.

I have been holding the shame of these feelings for all these years and I am ready to let them go. It is time to feel the pain and acknowledge the grief. It has to go. I want to celebrate their lives and the joy they have for living it. I do not want to water their memories with my own sadness for things that I cannot change.

It was 7 years ago. We are in a good place now and have been for a very long time. My marriage is solid. My kids are healthy and happy. We have fun and laugh. And I am thankful. I am very thankful for these incredible little boys who are so full of life and awe in the word around them. And as a bonus, they think I am pretty fabulous!!

On July 18th, we will wake up and celebrate seven of the most incredible years of our lives with two of the most incredible little boys ever born. Happy Birthday Zachary and Cooper! Thank you for the joy you have brought to our lives.