*This blog post is very personal. If you can't handle that kind of stuff you should walk away now. It is not posted for sympathy, so please do not offer it. I am putting it in the universe so I can accept it and move on from it.
I also want people to know that I am not just randomly posting links to my fan page of things that seem interesting. I am really reading those quotes and articles and applying them to my life.
So here it goes....
As the boys birthday is approaching, I am flooded with memories and feelings from that part of my journey. Years of infertility and a marriage that was more for convenience than love at that time set the stage for a really rough couple of years. I struggled with whether or not to blog about this but then decided that I am tired of pushing it aside and pretending it was all happy times. It was not the fairy tale that we all envision. I grieve it more than I celebrate it. And it is time to let it go.
I grieve that I was alone at the hospital for most of the time I was there. I grieve that I was not able to carry the pregnancy to term and delivered at 30 weeks. I grieve that for 14 weeks my babies were mostly alone in a hospital hooked to machines and fighting for their lives. I grieve that I could not hold them and have them home until they were 12 and 14 weeks old. I grieve that for the first year of their lives, I was so busy surviving it that I forgot to enjoy it. I grieve that I have very few pictures of that first year. I grieve that no matter how hard I try, I cannot remember anything other than Cooper crying all night, I was never bathed, and I had zero sleep. I grieve that I cannot look at the pictures of them in the hospital because it sends me to a very dark place. I grieve that I did not love every minute of it because it was all I ever wanted for most of my life.
I have been holding the shame of these feelings for all these years and I am ready to let them go. It is time to feel the pain and acknowledge the grief. It has to go. I want to celebrate their lives and the joy they have for living it. I do not want to water their memories with my own sadness for things that I cannot change.
It was 7 years ago. We are in a good place now and have been for a very long time. My marriage is solid. My kids are healthy and happy. We have fun and laugh. And I am thankful. I am very thankful for these incredible little boys who are so full of life and awe in the word around them. And as a bonus, they think I am pretty fabulous!!
On July 18th, we will wake up and celebrate seven of the most incredible years of our lives with two of the most incredible little boys ever born. Happy Birthday Zachary and Cooper! Thank you for the joy you have brought to our lives.
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
*Karma*
I have spent the last year fretting and moaning and doubting myself and my decision to go to graduate school. I have even gone so far as to say that I wish someone would give me permission to quit. Despite all of the negativity I put around the experience, I finished two semesters and four classes with all A's. I finally accepted that "I got this!" I was looking forward to fall classes and a new attitude about this part of my journey. I even enrolled for 3 classes instead of the 2 that are required!
And then Karma stepped in and gave me a great big kick in the butt!
Early in the summer I learned the grant that funds my position was drastically cut at the State level. The trickle down meant that changes would have to be made within the organization where I work. Fast forward through weeks of agony and wondering what was going to happen to my job and the jobs of several co-workers. I finally got the call that my position would be cut from full-time to part-time effective August 1st.
AND THERE IT WAS!!! The excuse to quit school was handed to me.
The only problem is that I no longer want to quit. I now find myself in a position where I have to consider whether or not I can afford to work part-time and pay for school. While I will have more time to focus on school and my practicum, I also have to consider the (significant) financial implications.
I am still processing this change so I am not going to try and put all of my thoughts about it in this post. What I really wanted to post about is the power of karma. What you put out in the universe becomes part of your journey. I surrounded myself with negativity and doubt for way too long. Even though I had adjusted my attitude and embraced the opportunity, I still had all of that nastiness "out there." You can't un-do these things. Begin your day with a purpose to live in the moment and know that every experience is a bump on the path. I am responsible for how I proceed on my journey and I am determined to stay focused on the big picture.
I am putting my big girl panties on, talking to the financial aid office at WSU, and re-configuring our budget at home.
I can throw in the towel right now and feel justified in doing it. But karma be dammed, "I got this!"
And then Karma stepped in and gave me a great big kick in the butt!
Early in the summer I learned the grant that funds my position was drastically cut at the State level. The trickle down meant that changes would have to be made within the organization where I work. Fast forward through weeks of agony and wondering what was going to happen to my job and the jobs of several co-workers. I finally got the call that my position would be cut from full-time to part-time effective August 1st.
AND THERE IT WAS!!! The excuse to quit school was handed to me.
The only problem is that I no longer want to quit. I now find myself in a position where I have to consider whether or not I can afford to work part-time and pay for school. While I will have more time to focus on school and my practicum, I also have to consider the (significant) financial implications.
I am still processing this change so I am not going to try and put all of my thoughts about it in this post. What I really wanted to post about is the power of karma. What you put out in the universe becomes part of your journey. I surrounded myself with negativity and doubt for way too long. Even though I had adjusted my attitude and embraced the opportunity, I still had all of that nastiness "out there." You can't un-do these things. Begin your day with a purpose to live in the moment and know that every experience is a bump on the path. I am responsible for how I proceed on my journey and I am determined to stay focused on the big picture.
I am putting my big girl panties on, talking to the financial aid office at WSU, and re-configuring our budget at home.
I can throw in the towel right now and feel justified in doing it. But karma be dammed, "I got this!"
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Testing.....testing......
A great big THANK YOU to Ragan and Heather for helping a non-techie like me get this set up. My next step will be learning how to fancy up my blog to add links and pictures :)
Please participate on this facebook page however you want. I will move a lot of my link sharing to this page so those who are not interested in that stuff do not have their walls so filled with it.
Get ready for some fun!!
Please participate on this facebook page however you want. I will move a lot of my link sharing to this page so those who are not interested in that stuff do not have their walls so filled with it.
Get ready for some fun!!
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
The waves of change
Starfish Chronicles is undergoing a face lift. The blog is moving to a new server and will soon have its very own facebook page. When I started this blog I wanted to blog about things that are important to me. That is still my focus but I want to expand it to a broader audience. My personal experiences will still guide the discussion because it is easier to talk about "where I am."
I am a woman, daughter, sister, aunt, niece, cousin, wife, mommy, friend, social worker, neighbor, and community member. So many topics to choose from!! Stay tuned for laughter and tears. And if there is something you want me to address, just say so. I am always happy to give my 2-cents. Take what works for you and throw out the rest, but join the journey!
I am a woman, daughter, sister, aunt, niece, cousin, wife, mommy, friend, social worker, neighbor, and community member. So many topics to choose from!! Stay tuned for laughter and tears. And if there is something you want me to address, just say so. I am always happy to give my 2-cents. Take what works for you and throw out the rest, but join the journey!
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
I am average...that is who I am
It is no secret that I am not enjoying graduate school. I am still terrified that I won't measure up. Measure up to what, you ask? Good question!! I have placed this imaginary performance bar so high in the sky that there is no way I can reach it. Why can't I reach it? Because I don't think I am good enough to reach it. I am just not the person who ever excelled at anything. I am average. And average was always good enough. I can never remember a time when anyone expected more than that from me. So here I am. I am 42 and in college trying to be better than average. And it is making me crazy!
I have not written a paper in 20 years. TWENTY YEARS! I have this itty bitty 3 page paper due on Monday and I can't type the first word because I am TERRIFIED that I will not get it in to perfect APA 6th edition format. And I have managed to convince myself that if I cannot get it perfect, life as I know it will end. The sky will fall and people will know I suck! Can I ask for help? Of course not! You want to know why? Because if I ask for help, people will know that I am just average. And people will know that I can't remember how to do something I last did in 1990. And when this itty bitty 3 page paper is done, I have to do another one that is 12 pages. Shoot me now!
This is an uphill battle for me and deeply personal. And I decided to blog about it so I can stop thinking it is a secret that I need to keep. Getting it off my chest, so to speak. So here it is. My big dark secret and the reason I hide it.
It was the end of my last semester for my Bachelor's degree. I only had a summer of practicum to finish before graduation. I was living in Houston with my aunt, uncle, and cousin. Very smart people! All 3 of them! They were hosting their annual crawfish boil and the conversation turned toward our graduation. My cousin was also graduating. With honors. And people (including myself) were so proud of her. As people were congratulating her, my dad turned to me and told me to tell people what I had got that semester. I was HORRIFIED! He knew that I had gotten a D in Environmental Science. He wanted me to tell them. And he kept pushing me to say it. I could not in my wildest imagination understand why he kept insisting that I tell people something so humiliating. And I was reminded that I am just average. And all the A's and B's I had gotten throughout that four years of college were not important. My achievement was being measured by the D. I am probably the only person who remembers that conversation, but I have thought about it every.single.day. since I decided to apply to graduate school.
Another reason I am struggling is because I am taking classes with MSW students who are completing their practicum in the agency where I work. I sit next to them in classes and I have decided that there is no way they should ever learn that I am just average. I have no idea why I think that I should already know stuff that we are all learning together. But I do. I have mentored students in the BSW and MSW programs. How will it look if I am less than perfect in my classes? Will they be disappointed in knowing that they trusted me to teach and mentor students? Will those that I mentored feel ripped off? I can't let them find out.
I was leaving for school last night and I said to Byron, "I really wish someone would give me permission to quit." The truth is that I don't really want to quit. I just want to give myself permission to be average and not feel like I have to do as well as or better than my good friends who have all completed this program with honors. I have worked hard to create a reputation of being a good social worker who is knowledgeable and smart. But none of that will matter if I don't get straight A's. Right?
These are my demons. And right now, they define me. And it is hard. Really hard.
I have not written a paper in 20 years. TWENTY YEARS! I have this itty bitty 3 page paper due on Monday and I can't type the first word because I am TERRIFIED that I will not get it in to perfect APA 6th edition format. And I have managed to convince myself that if I cannot get it perfect, life as I know it will end. The sky will fall and people will know I suck! Can I ask for help? Of course not! You want to know why? Because if I ask for help, people will know that I am just average. And people will know that I can't remember how to do something I last did in 1990. And when this itty bitty 3 page paper is done, I have to do another one that is 12 pages. Shoot me now!
This is an uphill battle for me and deeply personal. And I decided to blog about it so I can stop thinking it is a secret that I need to keep. Getting it off my chest, so to speak. So here it is. My big dark secret and the reason I hide it.
It was the end of my last semester for my Bachelor's degree. I only had a summer of practicum to finish before graduation. I was living in Houston with my aunt, uncle, and cousin. Very smart people! All 3 of them! They were hosting their annual crawfish boil and the conversation turned toward our graduation. My cousin was also graduating. With honors. And people (including myself) were so proud of her. As people were congratulating her, my dad turned to me and told me to tell people what I had got that semester. I was HORRIFIED! He knew that I had gotten a D in Environmental Science. He wanted me to tell them. And he kept pushing me to say it. I could not in my wildest imagination understand why he kept insisting that I tell people something so humiliating. And I was reminded that I am just average. And all the A's and B's I had gotten throughout that four years of college were not important. My achievement was being measured by the D. I am probably the only person who remembers that conversation, but I have thought about it every.single.day. since I decided to apply to graduate school.
Another reason I am struggling is because I am taking classes with MSW students who are completing their practicum in the agency where I work. I sit next to them in classes and I have decided that there is no way they should ever learn that I am just average. I have no idea why I think that I should already know stuff that we are all learning together. But I do. I have mentored students in the BSW and MSW programs. How will it look if I am less than perfect in my classes? Will they be disappointed in knowing that they trusted me to teach and mentor students? Will those that I mentored feel ripped off? I can't let them find out.
I was leaving for school last night and I said to Byron, "I really wish someone would give me permission to quit." The truth is that I don't really want to quit. I just want to give myself permission to be average and not feel like I have to do as well as or better than my good friends who have all completed this program with honors. I have worked hard to create a reputation of being a good social worker who is knowledgeable and smart. But none of that will matter if I don't get straight A's. Right?
These are my demons. And right now, they define me. And it is hard. Really hard.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
I like Ira
In my recent endeavors to learn more about the homeless community of Wichita, I met a man named Ira. He does not mind me talking about him to anyone who will listen. In fact, he likes to know his story is being shared. He believes that it is his "job" to share his experiences as a homeless man to those who want to help and to those who need help. He is a member of a local advocacy group who call themselves "Advocates to End Chronic Homelessness." He is formerly homeless and the voice of reality to this group of wonderful volunteers who have great passion for doing something good for this community.
Last week there was a long and thoughtful discussion about how to help people who are homeless do laundry during an upcoming upheaval in their current system of resources. Ira listened for a bit and then started waiving his hand to say something. And then I heard him say, "look, if you have enough money to transport people and pay for them to wash anything they want to wash as often as they want, I will tell you that your money can be used for something way better. You know that we tend to gather as much stuff as we can. As soon as you announce that we can wash it on your dime.........well, lets just say..... you are going to spend a LOT of money! I am going to find stuff to wash just because you are paying for me to wash it. Please hear me now. Take your money and put it to better use."
The sky parted and the angels sang.
If you know me and how much I love Ruby Paynes thoughts on the Rules of Poverty, you know just how happy this man made me!
At tonight's meeting he told us that we could find money and pool resources to train him for two years on a marketable skill, but if we can't convince people to hire him at the end of that two years, we have wasted time and money. He does not need a work training program, he needs someone to hire him.
I think maybe I love Ira!
Last week there was a long and thoughtful discussion about how to help people who are homeless do laundry during an upcoming upheaval in their current system of resources. Ira listened for a bit and then started waiving his hand to say something. And then I heard him say, "look, if you have enough money to transport people and pay for them to wash anything they want to wash as often as they want, I will tell you that your money can be used for something way better. You know that we tend to gather as much stuff as we can. As soon as you announce that we can wash it on your dime.........well, lets just say..... you are going to spend a LOT of money! I am going to find stuff to wash just because you are paying for me to wash it. Please hear me now. Take your money and put it to better use."
The sky parted and the angels sang.
If you know me and how much I love Ruby Paynes thoughts on the Rules of Poverty, you know just how happy this man made me!
At tonight's meeting he told us that we could find money and pool resources to train him for two years on a marketable skill, but if we can't convince people to hire him at the end of that two years, we have wasted time and money. He does not need a work training program, he needs someone to hire him.
I think maybe I love Ira!
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Blogging on my mind
I started this blog with the intent to talk about things that are important to me. I have lots of things I want to talk about, but am always fearful that some of it would offend readers or just be boring. Maybe I should blog more about the day to day stuff I tend to post as status updates on facebook. I could give my blog its very own facebook page so those who want to read it can and those who don't can avoid it. Or I could just blog and not advertise it anywhere. Those who want to read it know where it is. It is not fancy and I don't have any words of wisdom or guidance to impart. I don't have advertisement space. And I have never read another person's blog and thought to myself.....this is tooo _______ or not enough _______. I just read them and enjoy them. If I don't enjoy them, I stop reading them.
Maybe I should just do what the heck I want to do since it is MY blog .....
That is the advice I would give anyone else wondering what their blog should be. It should be what the author wants it to be. It really is that simple. So to my fellow bloggers who have recently been contemplating changing things up to make everyone else happy. Stop. Do what makes you happy. Be happy, peeps!! Happy is good!
Maybe I should just do what the heck I want to do since it is MY blog .....
That is the advice I would give anyone else wondering what their blog should be. It should be what the author wants it to be. It really is that simple. So to my fellow bloggers who have recently been contemplating changing things up to make everyone else happy. Stop. Do what makes you happy. Be happy, peeps!! Happy is good!
