A few weeks (errr..... maybe a few months ago.....), I asked if anyone had suggestions about a blog post. Nichole said she would love to read about how much I love her.
This one is for you, Nichole.
About 12 years ago I decided that I had some free time on my hands and signed up to be a volunteer with Big Brothers Big Sisters. I had no idea how much that decision would brighten my life. I pondered over several files and agonized over who I would pick to mentor. I was pretty sure I did not want to mentor someone who had serious behavior problems. I did not want my free time to feel so much like work. As I looked through files, I kept going back to one of a little blonde girl who by all accounts in that file was going to be a huge pain in my butt! Even though I was sure I would regret it, I asked to be matched with you.
Boy was I wrong!
We met in October and you wanted our first big outing to be a corn maze or some crazy scary haunted house. Ummmm......I HATE that stuff! So I was pretty sure you would never want to see me again. I can't remember what we did on our first outing, but I do remember that I LOVED you right away. We shopped, we ate out, you let me buy you pink stuff (yippeeee!!), we saw some really bad movies together, and we still laugh about the first time I took you to my house to bake cookies. I burned them! I suck in the kitchen. If we were going to have any kind of a relationship, you needed to know this. It is just not something I could hide. We saw plays at Mosley Street Melodrama, Crown Uptown, and Century II.
And not one time were you ever a pain in my butt. I looked forward to seeing you. And I missed you when too much time passed between outings. When I had 3 babies in 1 year and barely saw you, you called to check on me. You brought me the cutest little "twin" shirts for my itty bitty babies and you were the first person other than me and Byron who saw them in NICU.
I know you went through some rough times during those years but we never dwelled on that stuff. We only did happy things and talked about good stuff. I encouraged you to do your best and make good choices, but I never wanted you to have to talk to me about getting in trouble or what poor choices you were making. I wanted you to know that none of that mattered to me. My love is not conditional and nothing you could have ever done would change that. I had no idea if anything I ever said or did made a difference to you. And I knew there was no way you could ever understand how much I loved you and wanted the very best for you.
And then you grew up. And I proudly watched you become a woman. I stood in the court room and watched you marry your best friend, I watched your belly grow and celebrated when sweet baby Raylee was born. And I was so sad that you were doing all of that so far away. But I was also so happy that you had made some really awesome choices in your life and that you created a really good life for yourself. You did it! And I never doubted that you would!
When you send me notes and give me gifts telling me thank you for being there for you, I can't describe how it feels. It only reinforces that I made the right choice in that conference room so many years ago. And I am so thankful that you made the choice to love me too. I should also throw out a great big thank you for not being that pain in the butt I was so sure you would be.
We are full circle now and you are going through an adult sized rough patch. I hope you know that my love for you is still unconditional. While I continue to want what is best for you, I also respect that you have to decide what that means for you. You know where to find me and we can talk about what is going on or not. I am your safe place.
Thank you for letting me love you. You have made a difference in my life.
The End
Elainne
Friday, October 21, 2011
Monday, August 22, 2011
Accept the "Thank You"
People hesitate to mentor because they cannot imagine what it is they could do to make a difference. Mentoring is not about immediate gratification. It is about planting seeds that may bloom very slowly. But make no mistake, it makes a difference. And what starts out as a mentoring relationship will often turn in to life long friendships that are equally valuable
Over the years I have found myself in friendships and mentoring situations and had thoughts about whether or not our relationships were important or making a difference. Over the past few months I have received notes and gifts that have helped me to realize those relationships were valuable to all of us. It is really nice to have someone say "thank you for making a difference in my life," but it is hard for me to accept that what I have done has made that kind of impact on anyone. I don't think I did anything special. I was just "me" hanging out with "them" in professional and personal situations. There was no agenda for making a difference. Sharing knowledge and opinions about life and jobs and working together on clearing our paths. Having fun and crying if we needed to cry. Nothing earth shattering about that! Right?
Wrong! When you show up for people when they need you, it is life changing. Do you have to agree with the choices they are making or the path they have taken? Heck no!! You just have to be there to laugh, cry, kick in the butt, and sometimes wallow with them in the misery for a while! And you have to be there to pick them up, wipe the tears, and walk with them a while longer.
There is a popular saying about people not always remembering what you said, but they will always remember how you made them feel. If you think back in your life, you can probably think of people who you feel made a difference. You might not remember every meeting, outing, or conversation you ever had. But you will remember how you felt when you were together. I have a very long list of people who made that kind of difference in my life.
Mentoring done right is easy. It is unstructured and casual. It does not take elaborate meetings with set rules on what to talk about or do. It is 100% about being there! You show up! The rest just comes.
This blog post is not about how fabulous "I" am, it is about how incredibly powerful it is to have a person who believes in you with everything they have. And this is also about how hard it is to accept that "thank you" or those kind words as being "earned." After all, I have incredible feelings of thankfulness for those who have made a difference in my life. Why is it so hard to believe that someone can feel that way about me?
So, I am going to wear my new starfish necklace (thank you, Naomi) with pride in knowing that something "I" did made a difference to someone. A reminder that you never know who or how your actions will impact someone else's journey. I would much rather know that people remember me because they felt good when I was around. I really don't want to be remembered for some of the other (not so nice) things I have done in my life.
Lesson for today: Always be thankful to those who make a difference in your life. And ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS accept the "thank you" when it comes your way!
Over the years I have found myself in friendships and mentoring situations and had thoughts about whether or not our relationships were important or making a difference. Over the past few months I have received notes and gifts that have helped me to realize those relationships were valuable to all of us. It is really nice to have someone say "thank you for making a difference in my life," but it is hard for me to accept that what I have done has made that kind of impact on anyone. I don't think I did anything special. I was just "me" hanging out with "them" in professional and personal situations. There was no agenda for making a difference. Sharing knowledge and opinions about life and jobs and working together on clearing our paths. Having fun and crying if we needed to cry. Nothing earth shattering about that! Right?
Wrong! When you show up for people when they need you, it is life changing. Do you have to agree with the choices they are making or the path they have taken? Heck no!! You just have to be there to laugh, cry, kick in the butt, and sometimes wallow with them in the misery for a while! And you have to be there to pick them up, wipe the tears, and walk with them a while longer.
There is a popular saying about people not always remembering what you said, but they will always remember how you made them feel. If you think back in your life, you can probably think of people who you feel made a difference. You might not remember every meeting, outing, or conversation you ever had. But you will remember how you felt when you were together. I have a very long list of people who made that kind of difference in my life.
Mentoring done right is easy. It is unstructured and casual. It does not take elaborate meetings with set rules on what to talk about or do. It is 100% about being there! You show up! The rest just comes.
This blog post is not about how fabulous "I" am, it is about how incredibly powerful it is to have a person who believes in you with everything they have. And this is also about how hard it is to accept that "thank you" or those kind words as being "earned." After all, I have incredible feelings of thankfulness for those who have made a difference in my life. Why is it so hard to believe that someone can feel that way about me?
So, I am going to wear my new starfish necklace (thank you, Naomi) with pride in knowing that something "I" did made a difference to someone. A reminder that you never know who or how your actions will impact someone else's journey. I would much rather know that people remember me because they felt good when I was around. I really don't want to be remembered for some of the other (not so nice) things I have done in my life.
Lesson for today: Always be thankful to those who make a difference in your life. And ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS accept the "thank you" when it comes your way!
Sunday, August 7, 2011
The search continues....and some other thoughts about the subject
For those following along, here is an update on what is happening and more reflection about why it is happening.
Since my last blog post, we have received many invitations from friends to attend church services with them. We have appreciated the contact and support. We have researched and talked about it until it is making me nutso! Having as intense of a background and residual feelings about church is a big battle in all of this for me. And it really is just me who is so stressed out about it. Who are we kidding? Byron will go wherever I say works for me! He is easy that way.
And I am also walking a line as to not offend others. I know that religion and church are very personal and people will defend their views as being the right one. I am not interested in that. I am not looking for a debate on which "religion" or "church" is best. This is about our journey and my thoughts about it are based on what I think is best for MY family. Mutual respect in that area is appreciated. Pray for us if you wish, but only because you know we are looking for guidance. Please do not pray for our souls because we are obviously lost and hell-bound. That is offensive to me.
We are looking for an area where we can come together as a family and bond in a common theme. A place for guidance in a stronger marriage and guidance as parents in teaching our kids how to live the fullest life possible. This may or may not be a church building. Finding what works to take our family to the next level is what this journey is about. And maybe we find out that our family functions just fine the way it is and we just need to tweak it a bit. That would be ok with me.
I will continue my journey in social work and Byron will continue his journey in sobriety. And at the end of the day we will find a way for all of it to come together. This does not mean that things are out of whack with us. They are not. We have crazy schedules that require tons of organizing and juggling, but we make it work. And our life is good. It really is!
Since my last blog post, we have received many invitations from friends to attend church services with them. We have appreciated the contact and support. We have researched and talked about it until it is making me nutso! Having as intense of a background and residual feelings about church is a big battle in all of this for me. And it really is just me who is so stressed out about it. Who are we kidding? Byron will go wherever I say works for me! He is easy that way.
And I am also walking a line as to not offend others. I know that religion and church are very personal and people will defend their views as being the right one. I am not interested in that. I am not looking for a debate on which "religion" or "church" is best. This is about our journey and my thoughts about it are based on what I think is best for MY family. Mutual respect in that area is appreciated. Pray for us if you wish, but only because you know we are looking for guidance. Please do not pray for our souls because we are obviously lost and hell-bound. That is offensive to me.
We are looking for an area where we can come together as a family and bond in a common theme. A place for guidance in a stronger marriage and guidance as parents in teaching our kids how to live the fullest life possible. This may or may not be a church building. Finding what works to take our family to the next level is what this journey is about. And maybe we find out that our family functions just fine the way it is and we just need to tweak it a bit. That would be ok with me.
I will continue my journey in social work and Byron will continue his journey in sobriety. And at the end of the day we will find a way for all of it to come together. This does not mean that things are out of whack with us. They are not. We have crazy schedules that require tons of organizing and juggling, but we make it work. And our life is good. It really is!
Friday, July 29, 2011
You want to go where????
Since Byron started going to AA 6.5 years ago, we have discussed on and off the idea of finding a church we think would work for us. We have very different backgrounds in religion and I am not sure either of us even know what we would want from a church with walls and rules and stuff. What we do agree on is that we want our kids to have some exposure to faith and the belief that there is a force bigger than us in this world. And we think that having a similar "higher power" would be good for us as well.
The biggest problem for me is that I grew up in a very restrictive religious culture. Church is not unfamiliar to me. I know about the bible and even though I have not attended a church since my teenage years, I do live according to a certain set of standards that are a result of my upbringing. It was all we did as a family for many years. We were at church twice on sunday, we attended church school 5 days a week, church on wednesday night, prayer service, choir practice, youth service, and revivals that were 7 days a week for weeks and weeks. All of the people we associated with were from the church. Church.was.all.we.did. And then one day we didn't. And I am still not really sure why we stopped going, but I do remember feeling relieved about it. Don't get me wrong. I do not have regrets about all of it. It is part of my journey. And if I am being honest, I would admit that for many years I thought I would be a preacher's wife someday. I suppose social work is not so far from that.......
It will be hard to go from such an intensely structured standard to the casualness of so many churches today. When I walk in to a church and see people wearing shorts or women wearing pants, I hyperventilate a little bit. And it has been 27 years! It is going to take some time to change the way my mind accepts a different model.
I have no idea how this will go, but we have been looking around and have a couple of places we are going to try out soon (like maybe even this weekend). Samantha is excited about it. Her bff's family has a very strong faith and she gets exposure from them. She is convinced this is a good thing. I am sure Cooper will be ok as long as people take the time to learn about what works for him. And Zachary.....well......he has decided that he does not need to go to church because he already knows everything about God. He knows that she is always around us and helps us with things. And I curse like a sailor. I have great fear of slinging a string of expletives in the house of God. That would be bad. Very bad! And you all know how I feel about having a day of rest. I hate hate hate having to jump up on a sunday morning and go somewhere. I am hoping that the benefit to my soul will outweigh my lazy spirit. Byron has decided that interrupting his morning sleep to attend church after getting home at 5:30am is worth it to him. So we are all going to suck it up and give it a shot.
What is the worst thing that can happen? I better not think about that........
The biggest problem for me is that I grew up in a very restrictive religious culture. Church is not unfamiliar to me. I know about the bible and even though I have not attended a church since my teenage years, I do live according to a certain set of standards that are a result of my upbringing. It was all we did as a family for many years. We were at church twice on sunday, we attended church school 5 days a week, church on wednesday night, prayer service, choir practice, youth service, and revivals that were 7 days a week for weeks and weeks. All of the people we associated with were from the church. Church.was.all.we.did. And then one day we didn't. And I am still not really sure why we stopped going, but I do remember feeling relieved about it. Don't get me wrong. I do not have regrets about all of it. It is part of my journey. And if I am being honest, I would admit that for many years I thought I would be a preacher's wife someday. I suppose social work is not so far from that.......
It will be hard to go from such an intensely structured standard to the casualness of so many churches today. When I walk in to a church and see people wearing shorts or women wearing pants, I hyperventilate a little bit. And it has been 27 years! It is going to take some time to change the way my mind accepts a different model.
I have no idea how this will go, but we have been looking around and have a couple of places we are going to try out soon (like maybe even this weekend). Samantha is excited about it. Her bff's family has a very strong faith and she gets exposure from them. She is convinced this is a good thing. I am sure Cooper will be ok as long as people take the time to learn about what works for him. And Zachary.....well......he has decided that he does not need to go to church because he already knows everything about God. He knows that she is always around us and helps us with things. And I curse like a sailor. I have great fear of slinging a string of expletives in the house of God. That would be bad. Very bad! And you all know how I feel about having a day of rest. I hate hate hate having to jump up on a sunday morning and go somewhere. I am hoping that the benefit to my soul will outweigh my lazy spirit. Byron has decided that interrupting his morning sleep to attend church after getting home at 5:30am is worth it to him. So we are all going to suck it up and give it a shot.
What is the worst thing that can happen? I better not think about that........
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Feeling it.......and letting it go.....
*This blog post is very personal. If you can't handle that kind of stuff you should walk away now. It is not posted for sympathy, so please do not offer it. I am putting it in the universe so I can accept it and move on from it.
I also want people to know that I am not just randomly posting links to my fan page of things that seem interesting. I am really reading those quotes and articles and applying them to my life.
So here it goes....
As the boys birthday is approaching, I am flooded with memories and feelings from that part of my journey. Years of infertility and a marriage that was more for convenience than love at that time set the stage for a really rough couple of years. I struggled with whether or not to blog about this but then decided that I am tired of pushing it aside and pretending it was all happy times. It was not the fairy tale that we all envision. I grieve it more than I celebrate it. And it is time to let it go.
I grieve that I was alone at the hospital for most of the time I was there. I grieve that I was not able to carry the pregnancy to term and delivered at 30 weeks. I grieve that for 14 weeks my babies were mostly alone in a hospital hooked to machines and fighting for their lives. I grieve that I could not hold them and have them home until they were 12 and 14 weeks old. I grieve that for the first year of their lives, I was so busy surviving it that I forgot to enjoy it. I grieve that I have very few pictures of that first year. I grieve that no matter how hard I try, I cannot remember anything other than Cooper crying all night, I was never bathed, and I had zero sleep. I grieve that I cannot look at the pictures of them in the hospital because it sends me to a very dark place. I grieve that I did not love every minute of it because it was all I ever wanted for most of my life.
I have been holding the shame of these feelings for all these years and I am ready to let them go. It is time to feel the pain and acknowledge the grief. It has to go. I want to celebrate their lives and the joy they have for living it. I do not want to water their memories with my own sadness for things that I cannot change.
It was 7 years ago. We are in a good place now and have been for a very long time. My marriage is solid. My kids are healthy and happy. We have fun and laugh. And I am thankful. I am very thankful for these incredible little boys who are so full of life and awe in the word around them. And as a bonus, they think I am pretty fabulous!!
On July 18th, we will wake up and celebrate seven of the most incredible years of our lives with two of the most incredible little boys ever born. Happy Birthday Zachary and Cooper! Thank you for the joy you have brought to our lives.
I also want people to know that I am not just randomly posting links to my fan page of things that seem interesting. I am really reading those quotes and articles and applying them to my life.
So here it goes....
As the boys birthday is approaching, I am flooded with memories and feelings from that part of my journey. Years of infertility and a marriage that was more for convenience than love at that time set the stage for a really rough couple of years. I struggled with whether or not to blog about this but then decided that I am tired of pushing it aside and pretending it was all happy times. It was not the fairy tale that we all envision. I grieve it more than I celebrate it. And it is time to let it go.
I grieve that I was alone at the hospital for most of the time I was there. I grieve that I was not able to carry the pregnancy to term and delivered at 30 weeks. I grieve that for 14 weeks my babies were mostly alone in a hospital hooked to machines and fighting for their lives. I grieve that I could not hold them and have them home until they were 12 and 14 weeks old. I grieve that for the first year of their lives, I was so busy surviving it that I forgot to enjoy it. I grieve that I have very few pictures of that first year. I grieve that no matter how hard I try, I cannot remember anything other than Cooper crying all night, I was never bathed, and I had zero sleep. I grieve that I cannot look at the pictures of them in the hospital because it sends me to a very dark place. I grieve that I did not love every minute of it because it was all I ever wanted for most of my life.
I have been holding the shame of these feelings for all these years and I am ready to let them go. It is time to feel the pain and acknowledge the grief. It has to go. I want to celebrate their lives and the joy they have for living it. I do not want to water their memories with my own sadness for things that I cannot change.
It was 7 years ago. We are in a good place now and have been for a very long time. My marriage is solid. My kids are healthy and happy. We have fun and laugh. And I am thankful. I am very thankful for these incredible little boys who are so full of life and awe in the word around them. And as a bonus, they think I am pretty fabulous!!
On July 18th, we will wake up and celebrate seven of the most incredible years of our lives with two of the most incredible little boys ever born. Happy Birthday Zachary and Cooper! Thank you for the joy you have brought to our lives.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
*Karma*
I have spent the last year fretting and moaning and doubting myself and my decision to go to graduate school. I have even gone so far as to say that I wish someone would give me permission to quit. Despite all of the negativity I put around the experience, I finished two semesters and four classes with all A's. I finally accepted that "I got this!" I was looking forward to fall classes and a new attitude about this part of my journey. I even enrolled for 3 classes instead of the 2 that are required!
And then Karma stepped in and gave me a great big kick in the butt!
Early in the summer I learned the grant that funds my position was drastically cut at the State level. The trickle down meant that changes would have to be made within the organization where I work. Fast forward through weeks of agony and wondering what was going to happen to my job and the jobs of several co-workers. I finally got the call that my position would be cut from full-time to part-time effective August 1st.
AND THERE IT WAS!!! The excuse to quit school was handed to me.
The only problem is that I no longer want to quit. I now find myself in a position where I have to consider whether or not I can afford to work part-time and pay for school. While I will have more time to focus on school and my practicum, I also have to consider the (significant) financial implications.
I am still processing this change so I am not going to try and put all of my thoughts about it in this post. What I really wanted to post about is the power of karma. What you put out in the universe becomes part of your journey. I surrounded myself with negativity and doubt for way too long. Even though I had adjusted my attitude and embraced the opportunity, I still had all of that nastiness "out there." You can't un-do these things. Begin your day with a purpose to live in the moment and know that every experience is a bump on the path. I am responsible for how I proceed on my journey and I am determined to stay focused on the big picture.
I am putting my big girl panties on, talking to the financial aid office at WSU, and re-configuring our budget at home.
I can throw in the towel right now and feel justified in doing it. But karma be dammed, "I got this!"
And then Karma stepped in and gave me a great big kick in the butt!
Early in the summer I learned the grant that funds my position was drastically cut at the State level. The trickle down meant that changes would have to be made within the organization where I work. Fast forward through weeks of agony and wondering what was going to happen to my job and the jobs of several co-workers. I finally got the call that my position would be cut from full-time to part-time effective August 1st.
AND THERE IT WAS!!! The excuse to quit school was handed to me.
The only problem is that I no longer want to quit. I now find myself in a position where I have to consider whether or not I can afford to work part-time and pay for school. While I will have more time to focus on school and my practicum, I also have to consider the (significant) financial implications.
I am still processing this change so I am not going to try and put all of my thoughts about it in this post. What I really wanted to post about is the power of karma. What you put out in the universe becomes part of your journey. I surrounded myself with negativity and doubt for way too long. Even though I had adjusted my attitude and embraced the opportunity, I still had all of that nastiness "out there." You can't un-do these things. Begin your day with a purpose to live in the moment and know that every experience is a bump on the path. I am responsible for how I proceed on my journey and I am determined to stay focused on the big picture.
I am putting my big girl panties on, talking to the financial aid office at WSU, and re-configuring our budget at home.
I can throw in the towel right now and feel justified in doing it. But karma be dammed, "I got this!"
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Testing.....testing......
A great big THANK YOU to Ragan and Heather for helping a non-techie like me get this set up. My next step will be learning how to fancy up my blog to add links and pictures :)
Please participate on this facebook page however you want. I will move a lot of my link sharing to this page so those who are not interested in that stuff do not have their walls so filled with it.
Get ready for some fun!!
Please participate on this facebook page however you want. I will move a lot of my link sharing to this page so those who are not interested in that stuff do not have their walls so filled with it.
Get ready for some fun!!
