My family is spread throughout the house doing various holiday activities. Our main tree is decorated, the mantle is transformed, the kids are decorating their small tree downstairs, and Big Daddy is watching his Detroit Lions! Life is good.
I take lots of grief in November because I also start looking forward to Christmas. It is not because I am skipping Thanksgiving. It is actually just the opposite. These two holidays have always been combined in my family and I have many years of happy memories tied up in this time of year. No matter what was happening in our lives, my mom made sure that every holiday was a big deal! Thanksgiving and Christmas were no exception. It never really mattered what was or was not going to be under the tree. The act of decorating, listening to Christmas music starting in November, and eagerly waiting to spend the day with family WAS the big deal. I moved away from home twenty-five years ago, but even if I am not physically able to be there, my heart is sitting in my parents living room on Carlyss drive on every holiday. So when I start listening to Christmas music in November and put up my Christmas tree on Thanksgiving day, it is because I am thankful for the childhood I had and the happy memories that live in my heart.
And with that, here is a short list of people/things I am especially thankful for today. There is no way to list every person or experience who has brought joy to my life -- so this is just a sample.....
1) Happy childhood memories
2) Big Daddy: 19 years ago we took vows to love each other "for better - for worse." We have tested those vows many times over the years, but today I am thankful for the good times, and for him. He is a good husband,father, and provider. I am thankful every day that my children have such a good relationship with their dad.
3) Debbie: I am thankful that God brought Debbie to our family when we were teenagers. None of us could have ever known that all these years later she would bless us with the most wonderful and selfless gift of all. I always knew that she would give you the shirt off your back if she thought you needed it more, but to share your child is by far the most precious gift of all.
4) Samantha: What a gift! I thank god for her every single day. She is kind and loving and has the most incredible sense of social justice of anyone I know. She finds true joy in doing things for others and there are no words to describe how much I love her.
5) Amanda: 17 years ago we were blessed with a chubby faced crazy hair baby girl. Our time with her has been challenged and varied over the years, but she is always in our hearts.
6) Zachary: What a gift! This child is funny and ornery and loving and just when you think you have seen it all, you have not! I look forward to what he is going to say or do every.single.day.
7) Cooper: This is my most thankful child. He always says "thank you" and is the best cuddle buddy ever! He is also the happiest child I have. A song in his heart and a bee bop in his step. If you need a hug - just find Cooper!
8) Sisters, brothers, nieces, nephews, and cousins: I miss not living our day to day lives with you but I am still thankful to have each of you and proud to call you family. I am pretty sure there are no other families like ours!
9) Friends: I have a small group of people I consider to be a "friend." I am careful to surround myself with people who are kind and who treat one another with love. There are too many to separate out because each one serves their own purpose in my life. I love them all and spending time with a true friend never gets old.
10) My home: We have lived in many states and many homes over the years. I don't tend to have sentimental ties to physical things, but if I ever have to leave this house, it will be with sadness. Our lives changed here and I am pretty attached to this place!
11)Pampered Chef, Scentsy, Brighton Jewelry, Coca-Cola, French Fries, and Cheesecake
12) Winter, a fire in the fireplace, snow, my Nook Color, my Laptop, and my iphone
13) Good neighbors, colleagues, and the opportunity to go to graduate school
Happy Thanksgiving, Ya'll
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Friday, October 21, 2011
For Nichole.......because I love you
A few weeks (errr..... maybe a few months ago.....), I asked if anyone had suggestions about a blog post. Nichole said she would love to read about how much I love her.
This one is for you, Nichole.
About 12 years ago I decided that I had some free time on my hands and signed up to be a volunteer with Big Brothers Big Sisters. I had no idea how much that decision would brighten my life. I pondered over several files and agonized over who I would pick to mentor. I was pretty sure I did not want to mentor someone who had serious behavior problems. I did not want my free time to feel so much like work. As I looked through files, I kept going back to one of a little blonde girl who by all accounts in that file was going to be a huge pain in my butt! Even though I was sure I would regret it, I asked to be matched with you.
Boy was I wrong!
We met in October and you wanted our first big outing to be a corn maze or some crazy scary haunted house. Ummmm......I HATE that stuff! So I was pretty sure you would never want to see me again. I can't remember what we did on our first outing, but I do remember that I LOVED you right away. We shopped, we ate out, you let me buy you pink stuff (yippeeee!!), we saw some really bad movies together, and we still laugh about the first time I took you to my house to bake cookies. I burned them! I suck in the kitchen. If we were going to have any kind of a relationship, you needed to know this. It is just not something I could hide. We saw plays at Mosley Street Melodrama, Crown Uptown, and Century II.
And not one time were you ever a pain in my butt. I looked forward to seeing you. And I missed you when too much time passed between outings. When I had 3 babies in 1 year and barely saw you, you called to check on me. You brought me the cutest little "twin" shirts for my itty bitty babies and you were the first person other than me and Byron who saw them in NICU.
I know you went through some rough times during those years but we never dwelled on that stuff. We only did happy things and talked about good stuff. I encouraged you to do your best and make good choices, but I never wanted you to have to talk to me about getting in trouble or what poor choices you were making. I wanted you to know that none of that mattered to me. My love is not conditional and nothing you could have ever done would change that. I had no idea if anything I ever said or did made a difference to you. And I knew there was no way you could ever understand how much I loved you and wanted the very best for you.
And then you grew up. And I proudly watched you become a woman. I stood in the court room and watched you marry your best friend, I watched your belly grow and celebrated when sweet baby Raylee was born. And I was so sad that you were doing all of that so far away. But I was also so happy that you had made some really awesome choices in your life and that you created a really good life for yourself. You did it! And I never doubted that you would!
When you send me notes and give me gifts telling me thank you for being there for you, I can't describe how it feels. It only reinforces that I made the right choice in that conference room so many years ago. And I am so thankful that you made the choice to love me too. I should also throw out a great big thank you for not being that pain in the butt I was so sure you would be.
We are full circle now and you are going through an adult sized rough patch. I hope you know that my love for you is still unconditional. While I continue to want what is best for you, I also respect that you have to decide what that means for you. You know where to find me and we can talk about what is going on or not. I am your safe place.
Thank you for letting me love you. You have made a difference in my life.
The End
Elainne
This one is for you, Nichole.
About 12 years ago I decided that I had some free time on my hands and signed up to be a volunteer with Big Brothers Big Sisters. I had no idea how much that decision would brighten my life. I pondered over several files and agonized over who I would pick to mentor. I was pretty sure I did not want to mentor someone who had serious behavior problems. I did not want my free time to feel so much like work. As I looked through files, I kept going back to one of a little blonde girl who by all accounts in that file was going to be a huge pain in my butt! Even though I was sure I would regret it, I asked to be matched with you.
Boy was I wrong!
We met in October and you wanted our first big outing to be a corn maze or some crazy scary haunted house. Ummmm......I HATE that stuff! So I was pretty sure you would never want to see me again. I can't remember what we did on our first outing, but I do remember that I LOVED you right away. We shopped, we ate out, you let me buy you pink stuff (yippeeee!!), we saw some really bad movies together, and we still laugh about the first time I took you to my house to bake cookies. I burned them! I suck in the kitchen. If we were going to have any kind of a relationship, you needed to know this. It is just not something I could hide. We saw plays at Mosley Street Melodrama, Crown Uptown, and Century II.
And not one time were you ever a pain in my butt. I looked forward to seeing you. And I missed you when too much time passed between outings. When I had 3 babies in 1 year and barely saw you, you called to check on me. You brought me the cutest little "twin" shirts for my itty bitty babies and you were the first person other than me and Byron who saw them in NICU.
I know you went through some rough times during those years but we never dwelled on that stuff. We only did happy things and talked about good stuff. I encouraged you to do your best and make good choices, but I never wanted you to have to talk to me about getting in trouble or what poor choices you were making. I wanted you to know that none of that mattered to me. My love is not conditional and nothing you could have ever done would change that. I had no idea if anything I ever said or did made a difference to you. And I knew there was no way you could ever understand how much I loved you and wanted the very best for you.
And then you grew up. And I proudly watched you become a woman. I stood in the court room and watched you marry your best friend, I watched your belly grow and celebrated when sweet baby Raylee was born. And I was so sad that you were doing all of that so far away. But I was also so happy that you had made some really awesome choices in your life and that you created a really good life for yourself. You did it! And I never doubted that you would!
When you send me notes and give me gifts telling me thank you for being there for you, I can't describe how it feels. It only reinforces that I made the right choice in that conference room so many years ago. And I am so thankful that you made the choice to love me too. I should also throw out a great big thank you for not being that pain in the butt I was so sure you would be.
We are full circle now and you are going through an adult sized rough patch. I hope you know that my love for you is still unconditional. While I continue to want what is best for you, I also respect that you have to decide what that means for you. You know where to find me and we can talk about what is going on or not. I am your safe place.
Thank you for letting me love you. You have made a difference in my life.
The End
Elainne
Monday, August 22, 2011
Accept the "Thank You"
People hesitate to mentor because they cannot imagine what it is they could do to make a difference. Mentoring is not about immediate gratification. It is about planting seeds that may bloom very slowly. But make no mistake, it makes a difference. And what starts out as a mentoring relationship will often turn in to life long friendships that are equally valuable
Over the years I have found myself in friendships and mentoring situations and had thoughts about whether or not our relationships were important or making a difference. Over the past few months I have received notes and gifts that have helped me to realize those relationships were valuable to all of us. It is really nice to have someone say "thank you for making a difference in my life," but it is hard for me to accept that what I have done has made that kind of impact on anyone. I don't think I did anything special. I was just "me" hanging out with "them" in professional and personal situations. There was no agenda for making a difference. Sharing knowledge and opinions about life and jobs and working together on clearing our paths. Having fun and crying if we needed to cry. Nothing earth shattering about that! Right?
Wrong! When you show up for people when they need you, it is life changing. Do you have to agree with the choices they are making or the path they have taken? Heck no!! You just have to be there to laugh, cry, kick in the butt, and sometimes wallow with them in the misery for a while! And you have to be there to pick them up, wipe the tears, and walk with them a while longer.
There is a popular saying about people not always remembering what you said, but they will always remember how you made them feel. If you think back in your life, you can probably think of people who you feel made a difference. You might not remember every meeting, outing, or conversation you ever had. But you will remember how you felt when you were together. I have a very long list of people who made that kind of difference in my life.
Mentoring done right is easy. It is unstructured and casual. It does not take elaborate meetings with set rules on what to talk about or do. It is 100% about being there! You show up! The rest just comes.
This blog post is not about how fabulous "I" am, it is about how incredibly powerful it is to have a person who believes in you with everything they have. And this is also about how hard it is to accept that "thank you" or those kind words as being "earned." After all, I have incredible feelings of thankfulness for those who have made a difference in my life. Why is it so hard to believe that someone can feel that way about me?
So, I am going to wear my new starfish necklace (thank you, Naomi) with pride in knowing that something "I" did made a difference to someone. A reminder that you never know who or how your actions will impact someone else's journey. I would much rather know that people remember me because they felt good when I was around. I really don't want to be remembered for some of the other (not so nice) things I have done in my life.
Lesson for today: Always be thankful to those who make a difference in your life. And ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS accept the "thank you" when it comes your way!
Over the years I have found myself in friendships and mentoring situations and had thoughts about whether or not our relationships were important or making a difference. Over the past few months I have received notes and gifts that have helped me to realize those relationships were valuable to all of us. It is really nice to have someone say "thank you for making a difference in my life," but it is hard for me to accept that what I have done has made that kind of impact on anyone. I don't think I did anything special. I was just "me" hanging out with "them" in professional and personal situations. There was no agenda for making a difference. Sharing knowledge and opinions about life and jobs and working together on clearing our paths. Having fun and crying if we needed to cry. Nothing earth shattering about that! Right?
Wrong! When you show up for people when they need you, it is life changing. Do you have to agree with the choices they are making or the path they have taken? Heck no!! You just have to be there to laugh, cry, kick in the butt, and sometimes wallow with them in the misery for a while! And you have to be there to pick them up, wipe the tears, and walk with them a while longer.
There is a popular saying about people not always remembering what you said, but they will always remember how you made them feel. If you think back in your life, you can probably think of people who you feel made a difference. You might not remember every meeting, outing, or conversation you ever had. But you will remember how you felt when you were together. I have a very long list of people who made that kind of difference in my life.
Mentoring done right is easy. It is unstructured and casual. It does not take elaborate meetings with set rules on what to talk about or do. It is 100% about being there! You show up! The rest just comes.
This blog post is not about how fabulous "I" am, it is about how incredibly powerful it is to have a person who believes in you with everything they have. And this is also about how hard it is to accept that "thank you" or those kind words as being "earned." After all, I have incredible feelings of thankfulness for those who have made a difference in my life. Why is it so hard to believe that someone can feel that way about me?
So, I am going to wear my new starfish necklace (thank you, Naomi) with pride in knowing that something "I" did made a difference to someone. A reminder that you never know who or how your actions will impact someone else's journey. I would much rather know that people remember me because they felt good when I was around. I really don't want to be remembered for some of the other (not so nice) things I have done in my life.
Lesson for today: Always be thankful to those who make a difference in your life. And ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS accept the "thank you" when it comes your way!
Sunday, August 7, 2011
The search continues....and some other thoughts about the subject
For those following along, here is an update on what is happening and more reflection about why it is happening.
Since my last blog post, we have received many invitations from friends to attend church services with them. We have appreciated the contact and support. We have researched and talked about it until it is making me nutso! Having as intense of a background and residual feelings about church is a big battle in all of this for me. And it really is just me who is so stressed out about it. Who are we kidding? Byron will go wherever I say works for me! He is easy that way.
And I am also walking a line as to not offend others. I know that religion and church are very personal and people will defend their views as being the right one. I am not interested in that. I am not looking for a debate on which "religion" or "church" is best. This is about our journey and my thoughts about it are based on what I think is best for MY family. Mutual respect in that area is appreciated. Pray for us if you wish, but only because you know we are looking for guidance. Please do not pray for our souls because we are obviously lost and hell-bound. That is offensive to me.
We are looking for an area where we can come together as a family and bond in a common theme. A place for guidance in a stronger marriage and guidance as parents in teaching our kids how to live the fullest life possible. This may or may not be a church building. Finding what works to take our family to the next level is what this journey is about. And maybe we find out that our family functions just fine the way it is and we just need to tweak it a bit. That would be ok with me.
I will continue my journey in social work and Byron will continue his journey in sobriety. And at the end of the day we will find a way for all of it to come together. This does not mean that things are out of whack with us. They are not. We have crazy schedules that require tons of organizing and juggling, but we make it work. And our life is good. It really is!
Since my last blog post, we have received many invitations from friends to attend church services with them. We have appreciated the contact and support. We have researched and talked about it until it is making me nutso! Having as intense of a background and residual feelings about church is a big battle in all of this for me. And it really is just me who is so stressed out about it. Who are we kidding? Byron will go wherever I say works for me! He is easy that way.
And I am also walking a line as to not offend others. I know that religion and church are very personal and people will defend their views as being the right one. I am not interested in that. I am not looking for a debate on which "religion" or "church" is best. This is about our journey and my thoughts about it are based on what I think is best for MY family. Mutual respect in that area is appreciated. Pray for us if you wish, but only because you know we are looking for guidance. Please do not pray for our souls because we are obviously lost and hell-bound. That is offensive to me.
We are looking for an area where we can come together as a family and bond in a common theme. A place for guidance in a stronger marriage and guidance as parents in teaching our kids how to live the fullest life possible. This may or may not be a church building. Finding what works to take our family to the next level is what this journey is about. And maybe we find out that our family functions just fine the way it is and we just need to tweak it a bit. That would be ok with me.
I will continue my journey in social work and Byron will continue his journey in sobriety. And at the end of the day we will find a way for all of it to come together. This does not mean that things are out of whack with us. They are not. We have crazy schedules that require tons of organizing and juggling, but we make it work. And our life is good. It really is!
Friday, July 29, 2011
You want to go where????
Since Byron started going to AA 6.5 years ago, we have discussed on and off the idea of finding a church we think would work for us. We have very different backgrounds in religion and I am not sure either of us even know what we would want from a church with walls and rules and stuff. What we do agree on is that we want our kids to have some exposure to faith and the belief that there is a force bigger than us in this world. And we think that having a similar "higher power" would be good for us as well.
The biggest problem for me is that I grew up in a very restrictive religious culture. Church is not unfamiliar to me. I know about the bible and even though I have not attended a church since my teenage years, I do live according to a certain set of standards that are a result of my upbringing. It was all we did as a family for many years. We were at church twice on sunday, we attended church school 5 days a week, church on wednesday night, prayer service, choir practice, youth service, and revivals that were 7 days a week for weeks and weeks. All of the people we associated with were from the church. Church.was.all.we.did. And then one day we didn't. And I am still not really sure why we stopped going, but I do remember feeling relieved about it. Don't get me wrong. I do not have regrets about all of it. It is part of my journey. And if I am being honest, I would admit that for many years I thought I would be a preacher's wife someday. I suppose social work is not so far from that.......
It will be hard to go from such an intensely structured standard to the casualness of so many churches today. When I walk in to a church and see people wearing shorts or women wearing pants, I hyperventilate a little bit. And it has been 27 years! It is going to take some time to change the way my mind accepts a different model.
I have no idea how this will go, but we have been looking around and have a couple of places we are going to try out soon (like maybe even this weekend). Samantha is excited about it. Her bff's family has a very strong faith and she gets exposure from them. She is convinced this is a good thing. I am sure Cooper will be ok as long as people take the time to learn about what works for him. And Zachary.....well......he has decided that he does not need to go to church because he already knows everything about God. He knows that she is always around us and helps us with things. And I curse like a sailor. I have great fear of slinging a string of expletives in the house of God. That would be bad. Very bad! And you all know how I feel about having a day of rest. I hate hate hate having to jump up on a sunday morning and go somewhere. I am hoping that the benefit to my soul will outweigh my lazy spirit. Byron has decided that interrupting his morning sleep to attend church after getting home at 5:30am is worth it to him. So we are all going to suck it up and give it a shot.
What is the worst thing that can happen? I better not think about that........
The biggest problem for me is that I grew up in a very restrictive religious culture. Church is not unfamiliar to me. I know about the bible and even though I have not attended a church since my teenage years, I do live according to a certain set of standards that are a result of my upbringing. It was all we did as a family for many years. We were at church twice on sunday, we attended church school 5 days a week, church on wednesday night, prayer service, choir practice, youth service, and revivals that were 7 days a week for weeks and weeks. All of the people we associated with were from the church. Church.was.all.we.did. And then one day we didn't. And I am still not really sure why we stopped going, but I do remember feeling relieved about it. Don't get me wrong. I do not have regrets about all of it. It is part of my journey. And if I am being honest, I would admit that for many years I thought I would be a preacher's wife someday. I suppose social work is not so far from that.......
It will be hard to go from such an intensely structured standard to the casualness of so many churches today. When I walk in to a church and see people wearing shorts or women wearing pants, I hyperventilate a little bit. And it has been 27 years! It is going to take some time to change the way my mind accepts a different model.
I have no idea how this will go, but we have been looking around and have a couple of places we are going to try out soon (like maybe even this weekend). Samantha is excited about it. Her bff's family has a very strong faith and she gets exposure from them. She is convinced this is a good thing. I am sure Cooper will be ok as long as people take the time to learn about what works for him. And Zachary.....well......he has decided that he does not need to go to church because he already knows everything about God. He knows that she is always around us and helps us with things. And I curse like a sailor. I have great fear of slinging a string of expletives in the house of God. That would be bad. Very bad! And you all know how I feel about having a day of rest. I hate hate hate having to jump up on a sunday morning and go somewhere. I am hoping that the benefit to my soul will outweigh my lazy spirit. Byron has decided that interrupting his morning sleep to attend church after getting home at 5:30am is worth it to him. So we are all going to suck it up and give it a shot.
What is the worst thing that can happen? I better not think about that........
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Feeling it.......and letting it go.....
*This blog post is very personal. If you can't handle that kind of stuff you should walk away now. It is not posted for sympathy, so please do not offer it. I am putting it in the universe so I can accept it and move on from it.
I also want people to know that I am not just randomly posting links to my fan page of things that seem interesting. I am really reading those quotes and articles and applying them to my life.
So here it goes....
As the boys birthday is approaching, I am flooded with memories and feelings from that part of my journey. Years of infertility and a marriage that was more for convenience than love at that time set the stage for a really rough couple of years. I struggled with whether or not to blog about this but then decided that I am tired of pushing it aside and pretending it was all happy times. It was not the fairy tale that we all envision. I grieve it more than I celebrate it. And it is time to let it go.
I grieve that I was alone at the hospital for most of the time I was there. I grieve that I was not able to carry the pregnancy to term and delivered at 30 weeks. I grieve that for 14 weeks my babies were mostly alone in a hospital hooked to machines and fighting for their lives. I grieve that I could not hold them and have them home until they were 12 and 14 weeks old. I grieve that for the first year of their lives, I was so busy surviving it that I forgot to enjoy it. I grieve that I have very few pictures of that first year. I grieve that no matter how hard I try, I cannot remember anything other than Cooper crying all night, I was never bathed, and I had zero sleep. I grieve that I cannot look at the pictures of them in the hospital because it sends me to a very dark place. I grieve that I did not love every minute of it because it was all I ever wanted for most of my life.
I have been holding the shame of these feelings for all these years and I am ready to let them go. It is time to feel the pain and acknowledge the grief. It has to go. I want to celebrate their lives and the joy they have for living it. I do not want to water their memories with my own sadness for things that I cannot change.
It was 7 years ago. We are in a good place now and have been for a very long time. My marriage is solid. My kids are healthy and happy. We have fun and laugh. And I am thankful. I am very thankful for these incredible little boys who are so full of life and awe in the word around them. And as a bonus, they think I am pretty fabulous!!
On July 18th, we will wake up and celebrate seven of the most incredible years of our lives with two of the most incredible little boys ever born. Happy Birthday Zachary and Cooper! Thank you for the joy you have brought to our lives.
I also want people to know that I am not just randomly posting links to my fan page of things that seem interesting. I am really reading those quotes and articles and applying them to my life.
So here it goes....
As the boys birthday is approaching, I am flooded with memories and feelings from that part of my journey. Years of infertility and a marriage that was more for convenience than love at that time set the stage for a really rough couple of years. I struggled with whether or not to blog about this but then decided that I am tired of pushing it aside and pretending it was all happy times. It was not the fairy tale that we all envision. I grieve it more than I celebrate it. And it is time to let it go.
I grieve that I was alone at the hospital for most of the time I was there. I grieve that I was not able to carry the pregnancy to term and delivered at 30 weeks. I grieve that for 14 weeks my babies were mostly alone in a hospital hooked to machines and fighting for their lives. I grieve that I could not hold them and have them home until they were 12 and 14 weeks old. I grieve that for the first year of their lives, I was so busy surviving it that I forgot to enjoy it. I grieve that I have very few pictures of that first year. I grieve that no matter how hard I try, I cannot remember anything other than Cooper crying all night, I was never bathed, and I had zero sleep. I grieve that I cannot look at the pictures of them in the hospital because it sends me to a very dark place. I grieve that I did not love every minute of it because it was all I ever wanted for most of my life.
I have been holding the shame of these feelings for all these years and I am ready to let them go. It is time to feel the pain and acknowledge the grief. It has to go. I want to celebrate their lives and the joy they have for living it. I do not want to water their memories with my own sadness for things that I cannot change.
It was 7 years ago. We are in a good place now and have been for a very long time. My marriage is solid. My kids are healthy and happy. We have fun and laugh. And I am thankful. I am very thankful for these incredible little boys who are so full of life and awe in the word around them. And as a bonus, they think I am pretty fabulous!!
On July 18th, we will wake up and celebrate seven of the most incredible years of our lives with two of the most incredible little boys ever born. Happy Birthday Zachary and Cooper! Thank you for the joy you have brought to our lives.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
*Karma*
I have spent the last year fretting and moaning and doubting myself and my decision to go to graduate school. I have even gone so far as to say that I wish someone would give me permission to quit. Despite all of the negativity I put around the experience, I finished two semesters and four classes with all A's. I finally accepted that "I got this!" I was looking forward to fall classes and a new attitude about this part of my journey. I even enrolled for 3 classes instead of the 2 that are required!
And then Karma stepped in and gave me a great big kick in the butt!
Early in the summer I learned the grant that funds my position was drastically cut at the State level. The trickle down meant that changes would have to be made within the organization where I work. Fast forward through weeks of agony and wondering what was going to happen to my job and the jobs of several co-workers. I finally got the call that my position would be cut from full-time to part-time effective August 1st.
AND THERE IT WAS!!! The excuse to quit school was handed to me.
The only problem is that I no longer want to quit. I now find myself in a position where I have to consider whether or not I can afford to work part-time and pay for school. While I will have more time to focus on school and my practicum, I also have to consider the (significant) financial implications.
I am still processing this change so I am not going to try and put all of my thoughts about it in this post. What I really wanted to post about is the power of karma. What you put out in the universe becomes part of your journey. I surrounded myself with negativity and doubt for way too long. Even though I had adjusted my attitude and embraced the opportunity, I still had all of that nastiness "out there." You can't un-do these things. Begin your day with a purpose to live in the moment and know that every experience is a bump on the path. I am responsible for how I proceed on my journey and I am determined to stay focused on the big picture.
I am putting my big girl panties on, talking to the financial aid office at WSU, and re-configuring our budget at home.
I can throw in the towel right now and feel justified in doing it. But karma be dammed, "I got this!"
And then Karma stepped in and gave me a great big kick in the butt!
Early in the summer I learned the grant that funds my position was drastically cut at the State level. The trickle down meant that changes would have to be made within the organization where I work. Fast forward through weeks of agony and wondering what was going to happen to my job and the jobs of several co-workers. I finally got the call that my position would be cut from full-time to part-time effective August 1st.
AND THERE IT WAS!!! The excuse to quit school was handed to me.
The only problem is that I no longer want to quit. I now find myself in a position where I have to consider whether or not I can afford to work part-time and pay for school. While I will have more time to focus on school and my practicum, I also have to consider the (significant) financial implications.
I am still processing this change so I am not going to try and put all of my thoughts about it in this post. What I really wanted to post about is the power of karma. What you put out in the universe becomes part of your journey. I surrounded myself with negativity and doubt for way too long. Even though I had adjusted my attitude and embraced the opportunity, I still had all of that nastiness "out there." You can't un-do these things. Begin your day with a purpose to live in the moment and know that every experience is a bump on the path. I am responsible for how I proceed on my journey and I am determined to stay focused on the big picture.
I am putting my big girl panties on, talking to the financial aid office at WSU, and re-configuring our budget at home.
I can throw in the towel right now and feel justified in doing it. But karma be dammed, "I got this!"
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Testing.....testing......
A great big THANK YOU to Ragan and Heather for helping a non-techie like me get this set up. My next step will be learning how to fancy up my blog to add links and pictures :)
Please participate on this facebook page however you want. I will move a lot of my link sharing to this page so those who are not interested in that stuff do not have their walls so filled with it.
Get ready for some fun!!
Please participate on this facebook page however you want. I will move a lot of my link sharing to this page so those who are not interested in that stuff do not have their walls so filled with it.
Get ready for some fun!!
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
The waves of change
Starfish Chronicles is undergoing a face lift. The blog is moving to a new server and will soon have its very own facebook page. When I started this blog I wanted to blog about things that are important to me. That is still my focus but I want to expand it to a broader audience. My personal experiences will still guide the discussion because it is easier to talk about "where I am."
I am a woman, daughter, sister, aunt, niece, cousin, wife, mommy, friend, social worker, neighbor, and community member. So many topics to choose from!! Stay tuned for laughter and tears. And if there is something you want me to address, just say so. I am always happy to give my 2-cents. Take what works for you and throw out the rest, but join the journey!
I am a woman, daughter, sister, aunt, niece, cousin, wife, mommy, friend, social worker, neighbor, and community member. So many topics to choose from!! Stay tuned for laughter and tears. And if there is something you want me to address, just say so. I am always happy to give my 2-cents. Take what works for you and throw out the rest, but join the journey!
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
I am average...that is who I am
It is no secret that I am not enjoying graduate school. I am still terrified that I won't measure up. Measure up to what, you ask? Good question!! I have placed this imaginary performance bar so high in the sky that there is no way I can reach it. Why can't I reach it? Because I don't think I am good enough to reach it. I am just not the person who ever excelled at anything. I am average. And average was always good enough. I can never remember a time when anyone expected more than that from me. So here I am. I am 42 and in college trying to be better than average. And it is making me crazy!
I have not written a paper in 20 years. TWENTY YEARS! I have this itty bitty 3 page paper due on Monday and I can't type the first word because I am TERRIFIED that I will not get it in to perfect APA 6th edition format. And I have managed to convince myself that if I cannot get it perfect, life as I know it will end. The sky will fall and people will know I suck! Can I ask for help? Of course not! You want to know why? Because if I ask for help, people will know that I am just average. And people will know that I can't remember how to do something I last did in 1990. And when this itty bitty 3 page paper is done, I have to do another one that is 12 pages. Shoot me now!
This is an uphill battle for me and deeply personal. And I decided to blog about it so I can stop thinking it is a secret that I need to keep. Getting it off my chest, so to speak. So here it is. My big dark secret and the reason I hide it.
It was the end of my last semester for my Bachelor's degree. I only had a summer of practicum to finish before graduation. I was living in Houston with my aunt, uncle, and cousin. Very smart people! All 3 of them! They were hosting their annual crawfish boil and the conversation turned toward our graduation. My cousin was also graduating. With honors. And people (including myself) were so proud of her. As people were congratulating her, my dad turned to me and told me to tell people what I had got that semester. I was HORRIFIED! He knew that I had gotten a D in Environmental Science. He wanted me to tell them. And he kept pushing me to say it. I could not in my wildest imagination understand why he kept insisting that I tell people something so humiliating. And I was reminded that I am just average. And all the A's and B's I had gotten throughout that four years of college were not important. My achievement was being measured by the D. I am probably the only person who remembers that conversation, but I have thought about it every.single.day. since I decided to apply to graduate school.
Another reason I am struggling is because I am taking classes with MSW students who are completing their practicum in the agency where I work. I sit next to them in classes and I have decided that there is no way they should ever learn that I am just average. I have no idea why I think that I should already know stuff that we are all learning together. But I do. I have mentored students in the BSW and MSW programs. How will it look if I am less than perfect in my classes? Will they be disappointed in knowing that they trusted me to teach and mentor students? Will those that I mentored feel ripped off? I can't let them find out.
I was leaving for school last night and I said to Byron, "I really wish someone would give me permission to quit." The truth is that I don't really want to quit. I just want to give myself permission to be average and not feel like I have to do as well as or better than my good friends who have all completed this program with honors. I have worked hard to create a reputation of being a good social worker who is knowledgeable and smart. But none of that will matter if I don't get straight A's. Right?
These are my demons. And right now, they define me. And it is hard. Really hard.
I have not written a paper in 20 years. TWENTY YEARS! I have this itty bitty 3 page paper due on Monday and I can't type the first word because I am TERRIFIED that I will not get it in to perfect APA 6th edition format. And I have managed to convince myself that if I cannot get it perfect, life as I know it will end. The sky will fall and people will know I suck! Can I ask for help? Of course not! You want to know why? Because if I ask for help, people will know that I am just average. And people will know that I can't remember how to do something I last did in 1990. And when this itty bitty 3 page paper is done, I have to do another one that is 12 pages. Shoot me now!
This is an uphill battle for me and deeply personal. And I decided to blog about it so I can stop thinking it is a secret that I need to keep. Getting it off my chest, so to speak. So here it is. My big dark secret and the reason I hide it.
It was the end of my last semester for my Bachelor's degree. I only had a summer of practicum to finish before graduation. I was living in Houston with my aunt, uncle, and cousin. Very smart people! All 3 of them! They were hosting their annual crawfish boil and the conversation turned toward our graduation. My cousin was also graduating. With honors. And people (including myself) were so proud of her. As people were congratulating her, my dad turned to me and told me to tell people what I had got that semester. I was HORRIFIED! He knew that I had gotten a D in Environmental Science. He wanted me to tell them. And he kept pushing me to say it. I could not in my wildest imagination understand why he kept insisting that I tell people something so humiliating. And I was reminded that I am just average. And all the A's and B's I had gotten throughout that four years of college were not important. My achievement was being measured by the D. I am probably the only person who remembers that conversation, but I have thought about it every.single.day. since I decided to apply to graduate school.
Another reason I am struggling is because I am taking classes with MSW students who are completing their practicum in the agency where I work. I sit next to them in classes and I have decided that there is no way they should ever learn that I am just average. I have no idea why I think that I should already know stuff that we are all learning together. But I do. I have mentored students in the BSW and MSW programs. How will it look if I am less than perfect in my classes? Will they be disappointed in knowing that they trusted me to teach and mentor students? Will those that I mentored feel ripped off? I can't let them find out.
I was leaving for school last night and I said to Byron, "I really wish someone would give me permission to quit." The truth is that I don't really want to quit. I just want to give myself permission to be average and not feel like I have to do as well as or better than my good friends who have all completed this program with honors. I have worked hard to create a reputation of being a good social worker who is knowledgeable and smart. But none of that will matter if I don't get straight A's. Right?
These are my demons. And right now, they define me. And it is hard. Really hard.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
I like Ira
In my recent endeavors to learn more about the homeless community of Wichita, I met a man named Ira. He does not mind me talking about him to anyone who will listen. In fact, he likes to know his story is being shared. He believes that it is his "job" to share his experiences as a homeless man to those who want to help and to those who need help. He is a member of a local advocacy group who call themselves "Advocates to End Chronic Homelessness." He is formerly homeless and the voice of reality to this group of wonderful volunteers who have great passion for doing something good for this community.
Last week there was a long and thoughtful discussion about how to help people who are homeless do laundry during an upcoming upheaval in their current system of resources. Ira listened for a bit and then started waiving his hand to say something. And then I heard him say, "look, if you have enough money to transport people and pay for them to wash anything they want to wash as often as they want, I will tell you that your money can be used for something way better. You know that we tend to gather as much stuff as we can. As soon as you announce that we can wash it on your dime.........well, lets just say..... you are going to spend a LOT of money! I am going to find stuff to wash just because you are paying for me to wash it. Please hear me now. Take your money and put it to better use."
The sky parted and the angels sang.
If you know me and how much I love Ruby Paynes thoughts on the Rules of Poverty, you know just how happy this man made me!
At tonight's meeting he told us that we could find money and pool resources to train him for two years on a marketable skill, but if we can't convince people to hire him at the end of that two years, we have wasted time and money. He does not need a work training program, he needs someone to hire him.
I think maybe I love Ira!
Last week there was a long and thoughtful discussion about how to help people who are homeless do laundry during an upcoming upheaval in their current system of resources. Ira listened for a bit and then started waiving his hand to say something. And then I heard him say, "look, if you have enough money to transport people and pay for them to wash anything they want to wash as often as they want, I will tell you that your money can be used for something way better. You know that we tend to gather as much stuff as we can. As soon as you announce that we can wash it on your dime.........well, lets just say..... you are going to spend a LOT of money! I am going to find stuff to wash just because you are paying for me to wash it. Please hear me now. Take your money and put it to better use."
The sky parted and the angels sang.
If you know me and how much I love Ruby Paynes thoughts on the Rules of Poverty, you know just how happy this man made me!
At tonight's meeting he told us that we could find money and pool resources to train him for two years on a marketable skill, but if we can't convince people to hire him at the end of that two years, we have wasted time and money. He does not need a work training program, he needs someone to hire him.
I think maybe I love Ira!
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Blogging on my mind
I started this blog with the intent to talk about things that are important to me. I have lots of things I want to talk about, but am always fearful that some of it would offend readers or just be boring. Maybe I should blog more about the day to day stuff I tend to post as status updates on facebook. I could give my blog its very own facebook page so those who want to read it can and those who don't can avoid it. Or I could just blog and not advertise it anywhere. Those who want to read it know where it is. It is not fancy and I don't have any words of wisdom or guidance to impart. I don't have advertisement space. And I have never read another person's blog and thought to myself.....this is tooo _______ or not enough _______. I just read them and enjoy them. If I don't enjoy them, I stop reading them.
Maybe I should just do what the heck I want to do since it is MY blog .....
That is the advice I would give anyone else wondering what their blog should be. It should be what the author wants it to be. It really is that simple. So to my fellow bloggers who have recently been contemplating changing things up to make everyone else happy. Stop. Do what makes you happy. Be happy, peeps!! Happy is good!
Maybe I should just do what the heck I want to do since it is MY blog .....
That is the advice I would give anyone else wondering what their blog should be. It should be what the author wants it to be. It really is that simple. So to my fellow bloggers who have recently been contemplating changing things up to make everyone else happy. Stop. Do what makes you happy. Be happy, peeps!! Happy is good!
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
I LOVE Winter!
Finally! Snow has arrived and winter is here! I have been stalking the weather channel for weeks. WEEKS!
I grew up on the Gulf Coast of Louisiana and winter was just "less hot" than the rest of the year. We saw snow in the mountains of Colorado on annual family vacations. Maybe that is why I love it so much. I have memories attached to it. It takes me back to places I love. Happy places.
And when the snow is gone, I will be happy to see green grass, leaves, and flowers. And then I will celebrate summer so my kids can swim and swim and swim. And I will celebrate fall (my other favorite) when the leaves are changing and I can start anticipating snow again.
Change is good.......
I grew up on the Gulf Coast of Louisiana and winter was just "less hot" than the rest of the year. We saw snow in the mountains of Colorado on annual family vacations. Maybe that is why I love it so much. I have memories attached to it. It takes me back to places I love. Happy places.
And when the snow is gone, I will be happy to see green grass, leaves, and flowers. And then I will celebrate summer so my kids can swim and swim and swim. And I will celebrate fall (my other favorite) when the leaves are changing and I can start anticipating snow again.
Change is good.......
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Now What?
Happy New Year! Have you spent the last several days resolving to make changes? Resolving to not make changes? If for only one day a year we think about where we are in our lives, and have even small thoughts about how we love that place or how we would like to be in a different place, what is the harm in that? Personal reflection is good. If it also happens to motivate us to make changes, even better! Please don't lecture me on how resolutions are stupid and you have no faith in people following through on them. You focus on what you need to do in your life and I will focus on what I need to do in my life. I will celebrate your successes with you and offer a shoulder and an ear if you need to reflect on why it did not happen the way you planned it. Either way - it is YOUR life and you have the power to make it what it will be. It is your journey. Every success and failure are equally important on the path.
Even thoughI do not consider my journey to be on a 12 month schedule, I posted this blog on myspace on January 5th, 2007: I am dedicating 2007 to finding Elainne. There! I said it!!! Let it be.......
I will continue on my journey, but as of right this minute, I do not know what that means. What can I do today/this week/this month/this year that will make my life better? I can make a list of things, but I have to be honest and say that I do not know how many of them I am willing or even ready to tackle. And I am ok with that. I don't need a "grand plan." As long as I hold strong in knowing that I am in control of my life, whatever it is, this is what works for me. On the other hand, I must also accept the consequences for my lack of action. No regrets. This is the hard part. I cannot justify beating myself up for how things are if I have done nothing to change them. January 1st, 2012 will come whether or not I make any changes in my life. It is up to me!
So, now what?
Even thoughI do not consider my journey to be on a 12 month schedule, I posted this blog on myspace on January 5th, 2007: I am dedicating 2007 to finding Elainne. There! I said it!!! Let it be.......
I will continue on my journey, but as of right this minute, I do not know what that means. What can I do today/this week/this month/this year that will make my life better? I can make a list of things, but I have to be honest and say that I do not know how many of them I am willing or even ready to tackle. And I am ok with that. I don't need a "grand plan." As long as I hold strong in knowing that I am in control of my life, whatever it is, this is what works for me. On the other hand, I must also accept the consequences for my lack of action. No regrets. This is the hard part. I cannot justify beating myself up for how things are if I have done nothing to change them. January 1st, 2012 will come whether or not I make any changes in my life. It is up to me!
So, now what?
